Dr. Strangepump, or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Pump

My first experience with pumping was in the hospital, when I was having trouble getting my baby to latch on. One of the nurses brought in a double electric pump and told me to use it. Later on that day she attached the flanges to me, adjusted the machine, turned it on and left. Since it was a double pump, I had to hold both bottles, so I lay in bed, open wound in my belly, raw nipples encased in plastic, holding two empty bottles, while a machine began to exert pressure on those nipples, pulling them a half inch into the plastic cylinders. After five minutes I was howling in pain. Yanking the flanges off, I pressed the nurse button and demanded narcotic pain drugs to deal with the lightning cramps of pain in my uterus and nipples. I didn't pump at the hospital again.

Last week I took out my home double electric pump, read the manual, and tentatively attached one flange to my sore right nipple. I turned the machine on and watched as it pumped. I kept the pressure to the minimum and was relieved to see that my nipples did not elasticize. But it hurt. So I stopped.

Last night my dear baby decided to skip one feeding, and then only snack at the other feeding times. By 7:00, I was engorged. Not a fun feeling, especially when your boobs tend to turn into fountains. I was sprinkling sticky milk all over the place! And worst of all, dear baby pursed her lips at my nipple and resolutely slept. So I went to the pump. I pulled on a tank top, cut two holes at nipple level so I wouldn't have to hold the bottles, and assembled myself to the pump. I used a little olive oil to lubricate the flanges, which were the size recommended by my lactation consultant. And lo and behold, I got 4 ounces in about 10 minutes! Minimal soreness and no uterine pain. I am a convert to pumping!

The on-the-go mom

Dale and I were talking the other day (which is always dangerous), and we came up with the best idea! We were discussing how I plan to buy a backpack diaper bag, because I'm just not OK with loading up one shoulder. Additionally, I plan to use a baby carrier (the kind that goes up against my body) as much as possible, because I also don't want to lug around a giant car seat. When your back is as touchy as mine, doing an uneven load like that (bag on one shoulder, carrier dangling from the other arm) is just a bad idea.
So there I'll be, a diaper bag behind me, a baby in front of me. How could I get more done? Well, they have these lovely hands free breast pump bras. The idea is that you can attach the bottles to each boob and go about your day, as in the picture below:

But since I'll be running around with a baby in front and a bag in back, I need somewhere else to store the bottles. Enter our invention! We will convert a beer hat into a bottle hat - the pump will directly deposit my milk into a hat on my head, a hat similar to this!

Are we geniuses or what?