Insomnia

Woke up this morning at 5:00 am. Went to bed around 11:00, so that's only 6 hours of sleep, but my body was done. So I got up and worked on a story-in-progress. As usual, it has taken a new direction and now I've put it back down to let it percolate. My short stories always seem to spiral out of control - new elements, new characters, new developments. How does one weed through all that stuff? How do I know what is the story and what isn't? I read somewhere (probably Anne Lamott), that to write a good book, you write 800 pages then cut 600. The resulting 200 pages will be vastly improved for having the 600 pages of cut development. But wow, that's hard. Especially when you see elements you love, but just don't fit. And then you take them out, but they seem to still be missing.
So anyway, I did some writing until my elements had spiraled beyond the current gestation state, and then I surfed the net and am now writing a blog entry about insomnia. At least it's been a productive couple of hours...

Lovely Breakfast

This morning Dale and I had the pleasure of breakfast with Dori and Ian. They cooked us a lovely full breakfast and we had a great visit!

Perverted cats

Today, I came home from church to find THIS:
I don't know which is worse: the fact that both of them are male neutered cats, or the fact that Shadow also had surgery to remove his cat penis and reshape his urethra into a girl cat urethra (long story).
Oh, and if you don't see anything wrong with this photo, enjoy your innocence!

Fringe, SPOILER ALERT

OK, so we know that Bell is still really devious and unethical. Super devious and unethical, in fact. But my question remains: which Belli are we seeing? Are we seeing Walter's friend Belli, from our world? Or are we seeing the Alt-Bell? Which one is Nina Sharp communicating with? Which one did Olivia see? Which one did the surgery on Walter? It seems to me that the answers to these questions change the whole picture of what is, exactly, going on here.

Tired of Tiger

Yep, I'm tired of the Tiger talk. We've got troops massing in Afghanistan, continued violence in Iraq, a global conference about the climate approaching, and we're fixated on Tiger's problems.
I don't care. Tiger Woods is attractive and rich, so girls throw themselves at him. He and his wife have a prenup. She took drastic, melodramatic action after he had his wreck, maybe while driving under the influence. So what! This kind of thing happens all the time. Subtract the "attractive and rich" part and it is happening in your neighborhood, maybe right now. It is not news. The only area in which Tiger has proven himself to be a good role model is in golf. Yes, you should imitate Tiger in golf. But he's not a role model in any other way. At least when Christian preachers fall from grace you can rightly point the finger and say they are being bad role models. Tiger's private life was never intended to be a role model for anybody.
Tying into my last post, this is why athletes and other celebrities embracing causes makes me nervous. Tim Tebow is a good football player. Is he a good Christian? Maybe. Lots of people think so. But should we be imitating him? No. Mostly because I would look ridiculous with verses written under my eyes on black patches. But also because Tebow has proven his athletic skill - he is an athlete, not a professional Christian. And I'm glad he's open about his faith. That's great. But I hope he is taking good care of himself - with accountability and prayer, so that he doesn't go through some Tiger-like fall from grace.

You Go, Football Player Witness!

So during some of the football this weekend, I noticed a player with a bible verse written in his eye darkening patches. (I don't know the official term). I THINK it was Tim Tebow, but don't hate me if I'm wrong. Anyway, the verse was John 16:33. And I felt a bit cynical. Sort of like, yeah, sure, make a big deal about your faith. Like that's really going to change anyone's life.
And then this morning, on my friends' blog, I read this. And I was very impressed. My friend Kerry has shed all her possessions and, after a long journey, is finally moving overseas to bring hope and love to children living in a slum. And Tim Tebow's verse spoke to her. So I apologize to all football players who like to broadcast their faith. You go!

Fringe

Brilliant episode last night. Poor Walter, trying so hard to be independent and then being reduced to almost weeping at a bus stop! Brilliant acting. Looks like Astrid is getting pulled into the dysfunctional family. And then, just as the episode was becoming just too touching and heart-wrenching, we get Walter's fabulous line to Peter: "I've installed a tracking device in my neck."
Wow! A perfect touch, allowing the viewer to laugh hysterically, relieving all the emotional tension from the episode!

FRINGE

So tonight has another episode of Fringe. I am very much looking forward to settling down on the sofa with a cozy blanket, glass of milk or hot tea, a slice of French Silk pie. Sadly, it is not homemade - Dale and I wanted Chocolate Cream Pie, but French Silk was all they had. Still, it is delicious, and covered in whipped cream and shaved chocolate. Yummm.
Of course, this promises to be a really disgusting Fringe, with human-eating worms. But that's ok. I'll still enjoy my pie. I'll just pretend to be Walter and let the grossness inspire my gustatory impulses.

a different kind of waiting

We are in Advent, the season of waiting and anticipation. In liturgical churches, a 5 candle wreath is being lit, one candle per week, slowly counting down the days to the Incarnation of God in helpless flesh. Many homes have Advent calendars filled with chocolate treats and surprises, again counting down to the birth of God as human. And this holiday has pagan roots as well: we are counting down to the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year and the turning point: the point at which each day becomes longer and longer.
It strikes me that both Christians and Jews are waiting for the coming of God, but there is a very distinct difference. Jews are waiting for the coming of Messiah - the first coming. The Day of the Lord. Christians are waiting for the Second Coming of Messiah. In the New Testament, there is an emphasis on moral living, but not a terribly large emphasis on social justice. But in the Old Testament prophets we see a huge emphasis on social justice.
This is the difference I see in our waiting. Our waiting is not simply waiting for God to come and make things right, or for Christ to return and save us from this evil world. Our waiting is an active process - a ceaseless striving to make this world a place where Christ can come back and reign, not come back and destroy. While we wait to celebrate the first coming of Christ, we need to remember to prepare for the second coming. Our waiting is not sitting in a waiting room - it is laboring in the messy world of brokenness. The prophets didn't just predict Christ, they told us what to do before and after the Incarnation.

Thoughts from the Pilgrimage, 4

So I've been slacking off with my prayers lately. Last week was ok, but this week it is catching up to me. I was praying last night and I just fell into it, the way you fall into a recliner after a hard day of work.
I'm not trying to recover a mountain top experience, because I didn't have that. But I do need to stay connected to God. Just like I need to talk to Dale on a regular basis. So today I set appointments to pray - I use a prayer book created by Robert Benson and it has 4 prayers: morning, lunch, evening, night. So I pray the morning when I get up and the night before I go to sleep. So I set appointments for the lunch and evening, which are the ones I routinely forget about. I got the idea from my time at the monastery. At first, I thought I couldn't just drop everything and pray at the same time each day. But you know, that's exactly what the monks do. I remember how at the day time prayers, they would often be wearing regular clothes, jeans, t-shirts, muddy shoes, as if they had just come in from some work (which they likely had). So I've decided to imitate that. I used my iPhone, which has a very distinct reminder alarm, and I set my appointments for prayer.
I know this sounds legalistic, but I know that I need structure in order to meet my goals. I don't have to be legalistic in other relationships (like my parents or Dale), but that's because I live with Dale and my parents reach out to me if I haven't reached out to them lately. But God, being invisible and all, is easier to neglect. And so I hope this structure will allow me to stay connected to the Source of my life and energy. All so that the next time I pray, I won't collapse into God's arms like an exhausted woman into a recliner. Instead I'll crawl into Her lap with a smile.

Rethinking

Last week my church hosted our second annual social justice film series. It was great, although attendance was lower than I hoped. Still, we got some great results.
One great result was building a relationship with a local homeless ministry called Love Wins. Hugh (the moving force behind the ministry) is a great resource for helping us rethink our relationship to homeless and those in need. This morning I had to deal with a rather surprising situation at work, and Hugh was one of the people I contacted for advice. He and I had a long conversation about the situation and I have some new ideas.
This all ties in (naturally), with something that someone else in our church has been talking about: about how we don't need a telescope to find people in need (I borrowed that awesome language from her). Now, our church is pretty good about helping each other out. But you have to be plugged in, and that's a big step. So now my brain is bubbling over with thoughts about how we can extend our loving caring network to people who aren't as "tidy" to help. IE, it's one thing to paint a house for someone who's in foreclosure and trying to sell. It's another thing to help move someone who's been foreclosed on. But those are pretty "neat" situations. How do we deal with "resistant" people. In my counseling training, I was taught that you should never work harder than your client, and if you are, you need to terminate the counseling (or refer). But I don't think that's how the church should operate. We need to find grace-filled, yet wise ways, to help those who are "messy" - alcoholics who won't admit it, teens who have unprotected sex repeatedly, people who steal from the drink cooler, liars who won't stop lying.
The counseling and self-help movement is great, and badly needed for many. But it has a strong focus on people WANTING to get help and wanting to change. This is where the church can differentiate: we can love and offer grace to those who don't want help. The question is, how do we best do this? How can we be as wise as serpents and as gentle as doves and do it all with love?

7 quick takes

1. Please don't tailgate me when I'm driving through a school zone. I respect the lives of small children and frankly, you should too.
2. All the trees in my yard suddenly decided they were done with foliage and dropped the rest of their leaves. Even the maple in the backyard, which was fully green on Sunday, is halfway bare and gold and red now.
3. My knee hurts today. Good thing I'm planning on a lot of sitting and cross stitching. That will make the icing process easier.
4. Watched Fringe this morning. Rather disappointing episode, although had some good moments as usual.
5. Christmas shopping is well on its way, how awesome!
6. Even though I haven't been praying on my regular schedule, God's been with me every moment this week.
7. Is it really so tacky to take bags from other grocery stores into another grocery store?

Not in my Strength (Pilgrimage 4)

On Sunday I had a meeting with the ministry team - we are the people who implement the plans and visions of the elders at our church. But this structure is going away next year, and I will be taking on the majority of their responsibilities. As we progressed through the meeting and people realized how much I am taking on, one of them kindly warned me not to get burned out. It reminded me of one of the main messages I got on my pilgrimage.
Don't work in my own strength: work in God's strength.
This is a tough one to work out. Not to brag, but I'm pretty competent. It's easy for me to accomplish a lot of things within my own strength. I don't exactly know how to act in God's strength. Such a mystery! Do I deliberately fail? Do I take on more than I can handle? How to act responsibly but also act in faith? I'm not talking about pushing myself - I'm talking about releasing myself. I guess you could use a tool metaphor: you can lift a car if you're strong enough, or you can use a jack to lift the car. In spiritual terms, I've got to figure out how to use God's strength rather than my own. I'm meditating a lot these days. I hope that will be helpful.

Thoughts from the Pilgrimage, 3

It is 3:45 am and I step out of my warm room to a night sky filled with stars. As I turn on my lantern, I see that some of the stars are falling from the sky, bright spots of cold snow. I pass by the Jesus statue and notice that his arms and face are catching the snow, a contrast of black and white. The cold takes my breath away, or is it the sky full of stars, pulling me back to my childhood when we would stop in the desert and look at the stars on our cross-country road trips. I step forward, keeping my eyes reluctantly on the snowy ground in front of me. I wade through the deep gravel, stopping every few feet to catch my breath and stare upwards, mouth open. I catch snowflakes on my tongue. It is snowing in the desert!
A bell rings out, tolling urgently the hour. I increase my speed, hiking up the last steep hill to the adobe church which sits, backlit by the stars in the gray sky, surrounded by the black bulk of cliffs. I pause one last time to contemplate the stars. All my friends are there: Orion with his belt and sword, Cassiopeia, the Pleiades, and just touching the top of one cliff, the Big Dipper. As I stare I see the stars winking and sparkling, and I see at least one planet, brighter, bigger, and just different. The bell rings again and I enter the church, there to take part in a ritual that is over 1000 years old, chanting psalms and praises to the God who named each and every star.

Patience

I really want to be patient. I really want to be patient and kind and loving and Christ-like when I'm in line at the grocery store. It's just that I have really, really bad luck. I always pick the slowest lane. For example, the lane I picked there was a woman checking out, then a family with maybe 20 items in their cart. Seemed like a good lane. But the woman checking out was buying groceries for about 20 people, seriously. I think it took 10 minutes just for her to check out. Then the people in front of me whipped out coupons, probably 1 coupon for every single item in their cart. And of course, the cashier only had 1 working hand, so that slowed everything down. And of course, one of the coupons wasn't good, so he had to give it back and she had to examine it. That was another 7 - 8 minutes at least. At least 2 other people who got in lines after me were checked out in the time it took me to get to the cash register.
At least once I was there God gave me grace and I was able to smile and be friendly to the cashier, as I bagged my own groceries (note: must always take Dale to grocery store with me to bag!).
But I swear, if you are EVER shopping with me and there are multiple check out lines, just don't ask me to pick one. I will, guaranteed, pick out the slowest line.

Thoughts from the Pilgrimage, 2

The Food.
Dale theorized that all the food would be Southwestern, which is not even close to my favorite kind of food. I was nervous about this possibility, but resolved not to bring any of my own food. I would simply trust that I would be able to find food to eat.
My trust was well founded. The food was of a wide variety, which included some southwestern style food. But there were always plain vegetables and rice and beans and delicious bread and pretty good soup. We ate chicken, tofu, sausage, and I think ground turkey, but no red meat. Oh, and there was also a fish dish, but I could smell the spices coming off of it when I came through the door, so I avoided it. Overall, however, the food was quite good. One day we had cream of celery soup, homemade. This answered the question Dale and I explored in this post.

Thoughts from the Pilgrimage, 1

It's just my first day back, so I'm processing a lot right now. My first thoughts:
Before I went, as I was praying over the pilgrimage, I felt God telling me it would be our honeymoon, a time for just the 2 of us. That was pretty cool. But as the week progressed, I realized that the honeymoon image wasn't quite right. I wasn't having a mountaintop experience (and hey, if a honeymoon isn't a mountaintop experience, you married the wrong person!). Dale and I often go away for little weekend getaways, and that was much more like my pilgrimage experience. I felt this sense of total comfortable intimacy, not excitement, just deep satisfaction. But with one difference. I felt that God was courting me ardently. God kept presenting me with moments of unexpected beauty and joy. Some were funny, some were profound. Each day, in the afternoon once it warmed up, I would wander around and find some secluded private spot, the little rendezvous that God had planned for us.
These are my first day back thoughts.

Home again.

Last week I was in New Mexico, at a Catholic monastery. I got up at 3:30 am to start praying at 4:00, followed by prayers at 5:45, 8:45, 1:00, 3:30, 5:50, 7:30, along with meals, work, and free time.
I'm still processing the experience, but it's good to be home. Also bizarre.
Anyway, look for a series of blog posts about my experiences there!

exulting in one's labors

Today I had 2 workouts. The first was at 7:40 am. I did 15 minutes on the bike, then 30 minutes of personal training. Now, the personal training is kind of like going to hell with a very nice person. This nice person hands you a jump rope and asks for 100 jumps. So I start jumping. After 20 jumps, I am gasping for breath like a fish. She smiles encouragingly and says, "you're at 20." I continue, tripping on my feet, catching the rope on my bun, at one point wrapping the rope like a figure 8 around my feet. She just keeps smiling at each stop, telling me how many jumps I've done. Are you seeing my point? Then we do something fairly easy, like laying flat on the floor and raising my body to a sitting position using only my abs. I'm just starting to "relax" when she hands me the 10 pound medicine ball and instructs me to lift it over my head while I sit up. And let's not forget, I'm paying this person. Now, I've pushed myself when I've worked out in the past. But I tend to give myself a nice big break. 20 bicep curls? Time to sit down, gulp some water, and feel self-congratulatory. But with the trainer, there is no time for self-congratulations (she does let me gulp water). By the time our half hour is up, I have no energy to feel smug and self-congratulatory. I'm merely thankful that my legs are carrying me to the car. Am I complaining? No, this is my choice and I'm glad I'm doing it. But wow, it is NOT rewarding, and I'm not getting addicted to working out, as some might expect. I'm sure in 3 months when I have a body of steel and can jump rope all the way around my neighborhood, I will feel smug and self-congratulatory. Just not now.
My second workout, however, was tremendously satisfying. I planted bulbs. Lots and lots of bulbs. And I transplanted some plants to a sunnier location so they will bloom next spring. I feel a huge sense of joy and anticipation, knowing that the 2 hours I spent grubbing in the dirt, levering out rocks, chopping up roots, ripping out weeds, will result in 6 months with beautiful tulips, daffodils, and other flowers.

The Wild Adventures of the Bayless Barnstormers

On Sunday we went geo-caching. We were surprised to find that there aren't any geocaches in Umstead park, but we went to a local lake instead and found 2 caches! Very exciting. We may be doing more of this, now that we have the hang of it.
Then last night, as we got in Dale's car to go to church, the garage door didn't open all the way. It didn't even open far enough for his car to get out. We struggled with it for a few minutes, until we saw that the primary board holding the chain rail was pulling away from the wall. That's when we freaked out and called our garage door repair guy. Then we were faced with a dilemma. Dale's car would be in the way of the door repairman. Opening the door manually is almost impossible, not to mention, probably dangerous, with a main support pulling out of the wall. But I had the bright idea that maybe, with Dale's amazing turning radius, we could at least angle his car away from the door opener. So I pulled out of the garage and Dale proceeded to execute a 25 zillion point turn, finally actually completely driving his car out of MY garage door! What a feat!
We got the door fixed today, at least for now...

Fringe Thinking

Last night's episode was fantastic! Lots of good things to observe.
We got confirmation that Peter is from the other side from the hippie chick (although that was pretty much already confirmed). This raises the interesting question: Olivia is able to move between universes without being ripped apart. How did Walter and young Peter do it? Was alt-Peter treated with cortexiphan?
We learned that sometimes, you just need a shot of mercury to feel better, especially if you're a shape shifter who's been in his body too long.
Nina Sharp produced two snow globes out of thin air - really, they did NOT match the decor of her office and there's no storage in there... Still, nice illustration.
Walter finally caught on that the shape shifter was still around. But here's my nit-pick. Olivia was staring at the partially rendered head of the shape shifter when the bell brought back her memories. But she looked like she was starting to recognize that head as Charlie's. At any rate, it was clearly not Nina Sharp's face forming there. Yet, in Nina's office, she was willing to believe Charlie's word on who the shape shifter was. I'm guessing this is because Olivia was willfully ignoring the possibility that her stalwart ally Charlie was really dead.

Garage Doors

We finally got around to getting Dale's garage door fixed today. Last winter it had an annoying habit of either not closing entirely, or closing partially then bouncing back up. As the weather warmed, the problem disappeared. Now that fall is back, the door has started misbehaving again. It's so bad that I literally go out and close the door for him, because it requires precise timing and multiple hits of the button to close the thing.
But today our lovely garage door guy came out and fixed it. It was like magic. The whole door got a tune-up, and he gave me some tips for tuning up my door as well.
But still, I cannot WAIT until we save up the money to re-side the house and replace those awful, super-heavy, old rickety garage doors!

Writing Day

And this is what I've got so far:



















...

Potential pet peeve

I watched a TV show online today, which means I saw the same 15 second ad several times. It was an ad for a car. They showed a radar screen and the tagline said, you've heard of radar, but not on a vehicle.
OK, here's the thing, I HAVE heard of radar on a vehicle. If I'm not mistaken, it's used widely for many vehicles, just not for cars. See, vehicle means more than just car. Why do people say vehicle instead of car? If you want to sound educated or pretentious, why not just say automobile? That would be correct and hoity-toity.
Let's be precise in our language, shall we?

Fringe, again

I think one cool aspect of Fringe is that it's a redemption story. Walter Bishop was a conscience free scientist doing all sorts of unethical things, and then he was thrown in jail. Now he's free, and he's working to counter act his previous work: switching sides. It's redemption for him.

Random musings about the death penalty

So I'm not really in favor of the death penalty, for a number of reasons.
What strikes me, when I think about it, is that we have an odd way of going through with the death penalty. We're supposed to avoid cruel and unusual punishment, so we kill people by gassing them, injecting them, hanging, and firing squad. None of those seem very humane. The injection comes the closest, but of course, the regulations are based on vet guidelines, so who knows how effective and humane it is for people. Seems to me that the most humane way would be a nice sharp guillotine. Quick, clean, certain death. No scorch marks, no abrupt defecation, no silent suffering, no death by slow bleeding or multiple gunshot wounds. Heck, why not just a nice quick shot to the head?

Is there an inconsistency here? We want to kill criminals, but we are squeamish about the manner of killing. Why is that? I think, if you can't face up to what you are doing and do it in the most efficient way, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it.

Just my random thoughts, not well researched at this point.

Why Olivia Dunham is my hero

Because when she's kidnapped, she rescues herself.
Because she has the presence of mind to steal evidence and hide it before it can all be covered up (Mulder never managed that).
Because she's not conventionally beautiful.
Because she wasn't wrong about John Scott after all.
Because she had good impulse control in Germany with her ex-boyfriend (with a little help from her cell phone).
Because she wears menswear but still looks feminine.

Top 10 Reasons that Fringe Rocks

10. Olivia Dunham is unapologetically feminine and aggressive, without being a bitch.
9. Peter Bishop can do illegal things and get results because he's not a Federal employee.
8. Walter's alternate names for Astrid.
7. The human drama is gut wrenching, funny, believable, and not mired in stereotypical romance.
6. The Fringe science is based on real stuff, taken to fantasy levels.
5. Leonard Nimoy as William Bell.
4. There are conspiracies within conspiracies and sides haven't been clearly drawn up yet.
3. The real monsters are humans without consciences.
2. Some bad guys actually get captured and/or killed.
1. Walter Bishop's bizarre food cravings, triggered by visions of atrocities.

No Homework

You know, my job isn't exactly one which I can entirely leave behind me at the "office." But the beautiful thing is, I can mostly leave it behind. For example, today. I had the whole day to do whatever I liked. Sure, there were things that needed to be done, but in between times I didn't have to worry about catching up on reading or double checking discussion boards. Instead, I'll just read that nice long article about Fringe that David sent me.

I'm Melllllllllting!

Has anyone seen the latest Snuggle commercial? At the end of the commercial, the Snuggle bear lands in a pool of pinkness and slowly dissolves until he is half submerged, as if he's floating in a pool of pink liquid. I tried to find the image on YouTube but failed.
Here's the thing: when the Snuggle bear is sinking into the pool of pink scented loveliness, all I can think of is the scene at the end of the Return of the King, when Gollum lands in the pool of hot lava and slowly dissolves, dying in his moment of triumph. Is this twisted on my part, or a horrible oversight on the Snuggle bear marketer's part?

How is the job going?

It's what everyone wants to know these days. How is the job going?
Well, great.
So far, everything is going well. There are adjustments. I have to fit a work out into my day. I have to find time to do daily household chores. I have to learn what I can and cannot talk about in general. But I love it. I love my tasks. I love working. I love a paycheck!
Sure, it's not all roses and butterflies. People have problems and pains and I am learning more and more about those. But the years working on the sexual assault hotline prepared me pretty well for that.
I gotta say, it's pretty much my dream job. Flexible hours, easy commute, people interaction, organizational tasks, great discussions, etc.
But then, what would you expect? God did put this job into my lap without me lifting a finger...

Perelandra

I recently read Perelandra by C.S. Lewis. It's basically a retelling of the Eve Temptation story, set on the Planet Venus. The tempter is not a snake: he is an evil man almost completely possessed by Satan. Another human man has been sent to Venus in order to protect Eve and help her resist temptation. The Venus Adam is MIA throughout most of the book.
Now, the good human eventually comes to the conclusion that he cannot out-argue the satan-man. So he sets out to kill him instead, physically. They engage in strenuous physical combat and the good man wins. Lewis was definitely not a pacifist, so this solution is entirely consistent with his personal beliefs.
However, I am a pacifist, in a certain context. I don't believe physical violence is God's will for conflict resolution, even in a broken and fallen world. So I find the physical combat troubling. Especially because there is something I consider a significant factor that the good man fails to use.
Whenever the two men are away from the Venus Eve, the satan-man kills and tortures animals. Yet the good man never points this out to the Venus Eve. He never says, hey, come look at what this supposedly nice man is doing to your beloved animals. It seems to me that that would've been a very effective argument. And a peaceable one. The Venus Eve had the power to send both men away.
So why didn't Lewis write the book that way? Who knows. Perhaps he wanted to have a physical combat. Perhaps he considered it some kind of bad form to tell on the evil satan-man. Still, I think it's an intriguing question.

Book Review of A Prayer to Our Father

This is a book written by a Jew and a Christian together. They explored the Hebrew text of the Lord's Prayer and delved into its meanings, visiting several sacred sites in Israel.
First, the most interesting item was the existence of a text known as the Hebrew Gospel of Matthew. I had never heard of such a thing, and I will be interested to investigate it more. This is the source of the Hebrew text of the Lord's Prayer.
The other idea which struck me was the translation of the phrase usually translated as "lead me not into temptation." The authors decided that the best Hebrew translation is actually "let me not fall into the hands of a test." This is a phrase I have always struggled with, and their translation fits better with my theology and my knowledge of God.

And on a positive note...

“The work…is not so much to make ourselves better as to be honest about who we are right now. When we are candid with ourselves and with God, then we can release to Him the issues that we know need healing, and thus be purified by His spirit. Our best intentions to “act better” don’t mean all that much; our willingness to have Him make us better means everything.” Marianne Williamson, Everyday Grace (page 234).

A friend sent me this quote, quite a while ago. It reminds me of Yoda's advice to "do or do not, there is no try." This is the fine line of grace that Christ-followers walk: we do not try to "do better" in our own strength - we are not trying to be good people, or to be good enough. Instead, we are laying down in total honesty and submission, opening up our failures to God and allowing the Holy Spirit to do good through us, despite our brokenness.
We pray, we fast, we tithe, not to be good people, but to continue to be aware of our brokenness and be more intimate with God, to give the Holy Spirit more and more openings to do miracles through us.

Lessons Learned, or, There's Nothing Wrong With Our Health Care

So I cut off the tip of my finger at 4:45 pm on Monday, August 3rd. I was in intense pain and my entire focus was on keeping pressure on my finger and staying conscious. My kind and generous neighbor drove me to the closest open Urgent Care center, which gave me good care and a tetanus shot. I then filed the claim with my insurance.
Because the Urgent Care center was out of network, the full cost of my finger care is shouldered by me - going towards my deductible. My insurance did pay for my tetanus shot.
So today I called my insurance to find out what I should do in the future if I should sever part of my body in order to ensure I get the full benefit of my plan. I discovered that there are 2 local Urgent Care centers that do accept my plan. One of them closes at 5:00 pm, the other is open until 8:00 pm. Otherwise, I should go to the ER, where I will pay $50 and then the plan covers the cost.

So here's my lessons learned: Find out where to go for an emergency BEFORE you have the emergency. Otherwise you may get stuck paying full price for getting quick and convenient medical care.
Also, only get injured before 8:00 pm. Otherwise you'll have to spend your evening in the ER surrounded by people who are horrendously sick and probably carrying all sorts of nasty diseases. Yeah, I'm biased - the last time I was in a hospital (to visit a friend), I caught a virus that made me sick for a month!

7 quick takes

1. Today I get to finally move on to band-aids for my finger!
2. I also need to work out, yuck.
3. I'm close to finishing a book which I got free in return for a promised review - look for the review next week!
4. I did not win the latest writing contest I entered.
5. But that's ok.
6. I still feel like a blind woman fumbling to find a path for my writing.
7. But I think a lot of writers feel that way. At least until they are famous published writers, maybe.

Thoughts on Writing

It takes a lot of work and emotional energy. Also, I feel like a phony whenever I say I'm a writer. Sure, I've been published a couple of times in a local online magazine. But Dale's been published in a regional paper magazine and he doesn't call himself a writer. I hear myself saying it and I feel like one of those people who believes that, given enough time, they could write the Great American Novel. You know? Everyone has a book idea.
Someone I've read recently complained about this. Probably Anne Lamott. She talks about how writing doesn't seem like a real profession, about how all people think they are capable of being good writers. And I don't want to be one of *those* people.
Shrug. The fact remains, I am a pastor and a writer. I probably won't write the Great American Novel. But I hope I can bring light into some small part of the world through my words.

7 quick takes

1. I should really get started cooking dinner.
2. I want to go shopping tonight, but I think Dale will want to hang out together, and I don't think shopping counts in his book...
3. I have a lot of bread to bake this weekend!
4. I also get a haircut!
5. In sad news, Dale's compressor is out on his car, so we're looking at a thousand dollar repair. Thank you, Emergency Fund!
6. I'm starting to type (a little bit) with my bandaged index finger.
7. I had no idea i would be wearing this bandage for so long!

The kindness of others

I'm feeling quite warm and fuzzy about others today.
As most of you know, last night I cut a bit of my finger tip off while chopping basil for dinner. I called Dale immediately, but he was at least 20 minutes away from home and I knew I couldn't wait for him - the pain was so bad I was about to pass out. So I called one of my neighbors who immediately rushed over and took me to an urgent care unit. As a side note - it's always good to be friends with neighbors!
Then, yesterday I noticed that I couldn't find my debit card anywhere. So this morning I called the bank to get a new one. They told me that someone found my card in a parking lot and turned it in, and the bank is currently mailing it to me! I love honest people! It feels so good to be on the receiving end of a stranger's honesty and kindness. :)

Oh, for those who are interested in the gross, I'm considering posting a photo of the severed fingertip. Votes yes or no, please. :)

Awesome weekend!

Friday night I got to see Tori Amos in concert. It was fantastic. A really great show! My only regret is that I forgot to bring Dale's binoculars. :( Still, it was a fabulously good time.
Then on Saturday and Sunday, I baked bread. Lots of bread. I sold about $50 worth, which is cool. $50 closer to our pilgrimages! Dale and I are both planning to go to monasteries - he to one in GA, me to one in NM. I'm looking forward to this. Also, I enjoy baking bread.
Then last night I sat down to watch ABC's premiere of Defying Gravity, a space show. It was pretty good. I will probably watch it for a couple more weeks.
I'm almost done with the Harry Potter series too. I think I've figured out where they'll be splitting the 7th book for the 2 movies. It'll be right after Harry finds out about the Deathly Hallows. That's my theory, at least.
My next book series will be another re-read - the Dune series. I'm looking forward to that.

7 quick takes

1. I'm still working on finding my writing "voice," whatever that is and wherever it may be.
2. There's nothing cuter than a cat's sigh.
3. Except possibly a cat's yawn, especially when that cat is Shadow and the yawn shows off the little black spot on his tongue.
4. I think that maybe Julia Roberts has a dark spot on her tongue.
5. When I'm finished with this, I'm getting some cheese and crackers and reading Harry Potter - I'm at book 5!
6. My next book series will be Dune - I've read them all but I've got a hankering for them again, especially now that Frank Herbert's son has written a whole new follow up series.
7. I think I might be a closet sci-fi writer. But will that fit my voice?

Twitter

I'm on Twitter now.
I think hell might be freezing over...

My recent blog post

http://blog.evergreench.org/
This is my latest blog post for my church website. I included a clip from Lord of the Rings, so you know it's awesome. :)

Bernard

We recently had a wonderful week off in Knoxville, at the Wheeler resort. Interestingly, Bernard hopped in for the ride, and fully enjoyed himself. After he met Mom's gnomes, he decided to hold a revival meeting while we all went to church.

Working Girl

So yes, I am now a working girl. It's very weird to be away from my house for several hours a day. So far, things have been fairly slow, and everybody still loves me. I'm enjoying that. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before I start getting the hate emails which seem to plague all pastors. :)

Sign Fail

I was at Dollywood on Friday and noticed this sign. Can anyone explain to me what this symbol means? Do you have to be able to get out of your wheelchair to ride the ride? Is this the trail to the Miracle Healing Site?

Nice surprises

I think I'm starting to get the hang of this gardening thing. Some things you buy and plant and they fail, because you made a mistake, say in assuming that the front bed of the house gets more than 2 hours of sunlight daily, given that the sun shines through the main window all day... Some things you buy and plant and they die because you have annoying but adorable rodents that you can't bear to kill. Some things you buy and plant and they die because, well, just because. Like my Solomon's Seal. It's a NC native, shade-lover, and it's in a bed that gets just 2 hours of sunlight a day (I know this b/c I spent all day recording how much sunlight each part of my yard gets). The soil of the bed was enriched with fresh compost and enriched soil a few months earlier. Yet it has died a slow, painful death, leaf by leaf.
But this is not a blog about failure. No! As I was weeding in the backyard - no, I must rephrase that. As I was selectively weeding around my few plants in the backyard, I discovered that my Elephant's Ear from last year was growing back. Not only that, but there are now THREE of them! I LOVE plants which survive and reseed! Like my mint, which is taking over the side of my garage, and the marigolds that re-appeared in the front bed (the one that actually gets full sun).
So yeah, the gardening thing: you win some, you lose some, and then sometimes God just gives you a bonus.

Light at the end of the tunnel

Yes, yes, there is light. I will soon be done, done with EVERYTHING school related! I will be able to read whatever I want, at whatever pace I choose. I will be able to sit down and deal with people face to face, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and the really ugly. Feels so good!
The best part is, I ruined my 4.0 GPA in the Spring semester, so I REALLY don't care about my grades now. (I think I've got an A and another A- heading my way). And really, anything above a 3.5 rounds up to 4.0. :)

Sunday Naps

Naptime in the Bayless Barn on Sunday. Oddly enough, I decided to bake bread instead of nap...

Summer Vacation

Is on the way! just a couple more assignments, and then on Saturday Dale and I will be driving to East Tennessee for a week long vacation at my parent's resort home. And by resort I mean: free food, pool, hot tub, rainy day plans to visit art museum and aquarium, and oh, nothing to do but lay around and read! I definitely need to get to a library before the trip!

Gardening Success!

I take hope from the fact that while I may not have the greenest thumb around, I have managed to nurture our rose bush for 3 years now. And I've discovered a secret - roses love banana peels. Whenever my rose bush is looking a little sad, I bury a banana peel at the base and within days there are tons of new leaves and branches. Right now it's got a bunch of blooms on it, probably the most ever!

nurture, of course

Yeah, I can't possibly poison or kill squirrels or moles or whatever is stealing my plants. I'm too softhearted. About the only thing I can kill without remorse are the slugs eating my basil. The beer dish is working ok - I put it out at night with fresh beer and in the morning there are usually at least 5 slugs in there. I'm also trying crushed eggshells around the basil plant. However, I have a lot of grass and rosemary around it, so there are several aerial paths to the basil. (btw, it took me about 5 tries to spell aerial right!)
Now, if only I could figure out why some of my plants are randomly dying. I try not to get discouraged. Gardening, like writing, is probably a skill which requires time and practice.

Danged old Squirrels!

To those of you who doubted that my squirrels are uprooting my plants, I offer this photo.

On Tuesday morning, I had two lovely clumps of mondo grass, happily growing in my shade grotto of a backyard. Today I witnessed what can be seen in the photo. I defy you to say that was a natural death of a clump on mondo grass!
The only question that remains is my response. I am sorely tempted to take up arms against the heinous squirrels, to declare war and commit valiant efforts to scare, sicken, and drive off these rats with furry tails. Yet I am a pacifist, committed to the restoration of the world in accordance with God's will. Perhaps I ought to go WITH the squirrels. After all, water destroys rock, and trees which bend survive hurricanes. What do you think? Destroy, or nurture?

Changing my Views

Normally, I am opposed to paying movie theater prices for animated movies. This is simply based on irrational prejudice. I figure, why pay more for a movie where they went cheap and didn't hire actors? I like watching these movies, but I'd rather rent or see them at the dollar theater.
However, last night I was tasked with taking the high school group to a movie, and they all wanted to go see UP! Now, I do suspect that there were other movies on their list (like the Hangover), but they all know that all I will take them to see is PG or PG-13 rated movies. Plus, they all agreed on Up. So we went. I broke my rule, but it was all in service to the high schoolers.
And you know what? I'm giving up the rule. Sure the movie was extra expensive ($11) because it was in 3D. But darn it, it was a really good movie! I laughed. My heart was touched. It had a really good positive message done in a subtle way. Sure, it was predictable, and sure, it was cartoonish, but I really truly enjoyed it.
So new rule: if the movie looks good and Dale and I want to see it, we'll go, animated or not!

(And it should be noted that this is in the context of watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy, so I think my standards are higher than usual right now).

7 Quick Weekend Takes

1. I spent 6 hours on Saturday in class, took a nap, went out to dinner, and then watched Lord of the Rings. I also found time to wash and change the bed sheets. Yes, I rock.
2. Sunday I had a great time singing, had lunch with a friend, and then got to go to the Farmer's Market with Dale. Yummm! They have peaches and blueberries and strawberries and zucchini and squash as well as baked goods and candy and flowers. I just love going there.
3. We also went to the hardware store where I searched for a biologically friendly bug solution to the slugs eating my basil. We found nothing.
4. Instead, we filled a plastic can lid (the kind you use to cover cat food cans) with old beer and drowned the slugs. Seems to work ok.
5. I didn't get my Sunday afternoon nap, but I managed to survive.
6. Dale and I watched Two Towers Sunday evening.
7. Tonight I will be watching a movie with the high schoolers, so we'll have to wait at least 1 more day before finishing the trilogy.

Caught up!

I'm actually caught up on my schoolwork, before the weekend no less! Of course, I will spend this evening and 6 hours tomorrow in a required online classroom, but hey! At least I've got a bit of free time today. After buying Tori Amos tickets, I will work out, and then I will do some creative writing and maybe some laundry. I know, my life is totally exciting...

Plot holes and Chocolate Bread

Our friends Ginger and Victor visited this weekend with their 8 week old Caleb! It was great to meet him. He's quite a cute, well-behaved baby with a full head of dark brown hair. G&V enjoyed our hot tub with us, which was cool because Victor is officially the first man besides Dale to sit in the hot tub! And of course, it was a great chance to make and eat chocolate bread.

In other news, we watched Ocean's 11 and Terminator Salvation. I spotted a couple of plot holes and found confirmation on the Internet that they are, in fact, plot holes. That's always fun. Especially considering that the first time I watched Ocean's 11, I had no idea how they pulled it off. Still, the real problem is this: George Clooney, Matt Damon, and the Asian guy were all in the vault waiting for the phony Swat team while the video feed showed a fake robbery. But at some point, someone loaded the vault elevator up with black bags filled with prostitute flyers. The casino staff themselves carried the flyers out to the remote control van. Where did those bags come from? The Asian guy didn't have room to smuggle them. Matt and George didn't carry them down with them. They weren't already in the vault. The SWAT team couldn't have brought them in, because they came after the bags had left. I checked online and, in fact, there is no explanation! As for Terminator, there were just buckets of plot holes. They clearly needed the Lost team to give them some time travel advice about paradoxes, etc. Naturally, the time travel in Star Trek was perfectly done, because it had Losties working on it. :)

Teacup display!

Tonight I finally achieved a long held goal. When we helped clean out my Grandmother's house two years ago, I was able to take her teacup collection. I packed up the selected teacups carefully in a box and promptly stored them away, not knowing what to do with them. Then, a few months ago I was helping a friend clean (a pregnant friend in need - don't think this is something I do regularly...), and we cleaned her teacup collection. That inspired me to do a little research. I found some teacup racks and figured out exactly the right place to put them, and tonight I finally did it! I'm so excited to have my grandmother's teacups on display, as well as have some additional beauty in my breakfast room. :)

7 quick takes

1. I'm napping a lot these days. The skylights have a patch of sunlight that travels right along the sofa in the living room - perfect place for an afternoon nap!
2. Napping is important today, because Dale and I are going to the Imax version of Star Trek tonight, at 11:15 pm!
3. I'm working on offloading a bunch of my digital pictures to CD, but first I'm trying to make a DVD of them. If only I could do that and take a nap at the same time, all would be well...
4. I have to write a 5 page paper on my cultural background. I'm finding it a challenge, being as I'm white, American, middle class, etc. Hard to see your cultural heritage when it's all around you.
5. I noticed a freshly dug hole next to my mondo grass planting this morning. I'll be "fertilizing" it with some cat poop later today. I swear, my squirrels are out to get me.
6. The squirrels are eating our house - did we mention that? We've actually sat and watched them eat our siding. Yummy cedar...
7. I ordered teacup display stands yesterday! I can't wait for them to arrive so I can finally display my inherited tea cup collection.
BONUS: I'm digging up a friend's excess violets this weekend and planting them in my fully shaded backyard. The ones I already have are doing well, and the squirrels don't eat them!

squirrels!!!!

Last fall I planted 5 Hosta plants. This spring I was disappointed to notice that only 1 of them sprouted and grew. But at least I had one. Then, today, I was out in the yard tending to the compost heap and I noticed that my beautiful hosta plant was gone! GONE! Nothing left but a small hole. I know what happened. A squirrel dug it out! Bastard squirrels! But I have had my revenge. I went to the litter box and there was a perfect little cat turd, unburied. So I scooped it out and dumped it straight in the hole. Hopefully the scent of predator spoor will scare those buggers away from my plants!

$45 store credit!!

So Dale and I finally purged the VHS tape collection last weekend. I took them to our church garage sale and sold 15 of them for $3. Then I decided to take the rest to Edward McKay used books. I had pretty low expectations, especially when they said they had a lot of humor and action, but it turned out that they took all but 4 of the tapes! And at 75 cents per tape, we got $45 store credit! woo-hoo!! I find this very exciting. Dale and I bought 4 books and 2 DVD's and still have store credit left over. I immediately came home and purged my book shelf and will go back again soon - they pay cash for books. :)

7 quick takes

1. Now that all the finales are over, what ever will we do with our evenings? Thank goodness for Netflix!
2. I can't wait to see Star Trek on the Imax screen, hopefully next weekend!
3. I planted several plants today. Hopefully some will start to aggressively take over the shade weeds proliferating in our tree-tented back yard.
4. I also planted marigolds to keep bugs away from my butterfly bush and basil plants. Any other organic bug solutions besides soapy water?
5. I've already screwed up one assignment in one of my classes this week. Oh well, all I have to do is pass!
6. Biking around the hilly neighborhood is a WHOLE different ballgame from 25 minutes on the stationary gym bike.
7. I'm selling stuff at a church yard sale tomorrow. The biggest challenge will be to not buy anyone else's stuff!

I graduated!

Yep, I've graduated. I sat in the beautiful, gorgeous sun, without a drop of rain or cloud in the sky (thanks to all who prayed!) and walked across the stage and received a lovely scroll informing me that my diploma would arrive in the mail later. It was a great day. I got to celebrate with family and friends and I got my sunny graduation, hurrah!
Now if only I didn't have to finish up these 2 last classes! Which are proving to be quite a lot of work already. And then, in typical Elaine fashion, I will take 1 week off when class is over and begin my job on July 6th. I'm very good at filling in blanks in my schedule. :)

Scaring the Sand People?

Apparently, part of the functionality of my new robes is being able to scare away Sand People, a la Obi Wan Kenobe.

Watch me graduate from the comfort of your living room!

http://www.regent.edu/events/commencement/2009/commence_online.cfm

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100 things I can do

1. Make delicious bread of all kinds
2. Work out on a regular basis
3. Laugh at myself
4. Balance my checkbook
5. Drive stick shift
6. Sing
7. Play the piano and pipe organ
8. Write fiction
9. Teach people stuff
10. Take medication willingly in order to keep my precious kitties with me
11. Grow really long hair really fast
12. Wrap my ankles around my neck
13. Wiggle my ears
14. Roll my tongue
15. Dress to conceal my belly pooch
16. Floss my teeth really well
17. Counted cross-stitch
18. Read really fast (as in, read entire 7th Harry Potter book in 1 night)
19. Ask a lot of questions
20. Be around people and enjoy it a lot
21. Manage my life using the iPhone
22. Make my pastor laugh
23. Make my husband laugh
24. Make my cat Duchess very very angry
25. Make my cats Shadow and Pipsqueak very very happy
26. Do all our laundry in 1 day every other week
27. Grow flowers
28. Throw parties
29. Plan meals
30. Win money in Vegas and walk away with the winnings
31. Smoke a cigar
32. Do really challenging Sudoku puzzles
33. Remember things I read for years
34. Remember clothes I had 15 years ago
35. Shop for myself or for others, for any item
36. Take people to get bras fitted at Nordstrom's
37. Make slipcovers for furniture
38. Stain wood
39. Replace light fixtures
40. Draw floor plans to scale
41. Paint furniture
42. Purge items (even though it hurts)
43. Let go of the past
44. Wear my hair straight or curly
45. believe in miracles
46. Make delicious limeade
47. Write a novel (I'm in process, but thinking positively here)
48. Appreciate what an awesome husband I have!
49. Love my body the way it is and the way it isn't
50. Refrain from eating when I'm hungry
51. Refrain from eating when I'm bored
52. Use rewards liberally to motivate myself
53. Forgive myself
54. Forgive others (but only with a lot of God's grace)
55. Cover my desk with heaps of books and papers in just a week
56. Clean off my desk at least twice a year
57. Keep organized financial files
58. Keep track of oil changes
59. Check my tire air pressure
60. Check my car oil level
61. Keep people's secrets (as long as they tell me it's a secret)
62. Listen to people sympathetically
63. Earn people's trust
64. Apologize when necessary
65. Admit my excessive pride
66. Beat Dale at chess (slightly more than half the time)
67. Beat Dale at Tetris
68. Dance while cooking
69. Sit in the hot tub regardless of the outdoor temperature
70. Make dirt (ok, I just make compost, but it results in dirt, how cool!)
71. Care about people I've never met
72. Make good grades
73. Fall asleep in my hammock
74. Parallel park my car
75. Back into a parking space
76. Ride a bike
77. Use a nail gun
78. Meditate
79. Watch all 4 Alien movies over and over again
80. Show movies on the equipment at church
81. Pray for people
82. Talk too much
83. Tell funny stories
84. Clean up really disgusting things without being grossed out
85. Hold and handle snakes (non-poisonous)
86. Give honest opinions and advice in dressing rooms
87. Shop for 2 or 3 days straight
88. Make my own mango guacamole
89. Buy local produce at my local farmer's market
90. Turn off my phone and be unavailable if necessary
91. Say no to people when necessary
92. Say yes to people when necessary
93. Relate to teenagers
94. Play Twister and win
95. Hide my thoughts and opinions
96. Usually find a good balance of personal and "work" life
97. Make nice centerpieces for my table
98. Appreciate a good brainless action movie every now and then
99. Go for weeks without looking at Facebook
100. Find spiritual themes in ordinary movies and TV shows and books

100 things I can't do

Idea borrowed from 10 Minute Writer, to be followed by a list of 100 things I can do!
1. A pull up
2. Run for any length of time or distance
3. Fly a plane
4. Watch violent TV shows like CSI
5. Knit
6. Crochet
7. Get Duchess to willingly sit in my lap
8. Keep Shadow from constantly trying to sit in my lap
9. Grow long fingernails
10. Watch bankruptcy commercials without becoming annoyed
11. Listen to politic talk shows
12. Watch TV news without becoming annoyed
13. Stand to think about mountaintop removal mining - destroying mountains to get a non-renewable energy resource, are you kidding me?
14. Open the sunroof of my car (gotta get that button fixed before summer!)
15. Not wear my watch
16. Eat M&M, Skittles, or Reese's Pieces in odd amounts (must always have an even number in my mouth)
17. Stand Mexican food
18. Watch golf without falling asleep
19. Enjoy watching UNC win basketball games
20. Stand spiders
21. Believe that I got an awesome job post-graduation without using resumes or interviews, yay God!
22. Believe that God really does forgive me instantly and for every sin, even the ones I don't know about (wow, God is good).
23. Contemplate life without Dale
24. Wait to go to Italy next year!
25. Text and drive at the same time (and no one else can either!)
26. Keep my bathroom clean
27. Stand the smell of cat litterboxes
28. Believe I'm graduating in 5 days!
29. Understand God (but then, who can?)
30. Play the violin
31. Speak any foreign language
32. Invent recipes
33. Crossword puzzles
34. Those physical puzzles, like the wood and nail ones
35. Stay warm in the winter
36. Stand super air conditioning in the summer
37. Stand cold rain
38. Open twist-off bottle caps (it hurts my delicate skin!)
39. Unclog a toilet
40. Clean without losing something
41. Lift more than 7.5 pounds without hurting something (when weight-lifting)
42. Believe that no one notices the 20 pounds I put on since college
43. Understand why I still get zits
44. Understand why I no longer tan well
45. Listen to reggae music
46. Play Guitar Hero
47. Play any video game with the handheld controllers
48. Beat Dale at Frogger
49. Beat Dale at Super Breakout
50. Beat Dale at Donkey Kong
51. Understand why the Losties left the caves in Season 1 and 2
52. Understand any poetry except poems by Margaret Atwood and Emily Dickinson
53. Read super-depressing books
54. Find good tablecloths
55. Enjoy drinking water unless I'm working out
56. Work out more than twice a week without an accountability partner
57. Remember to avoid rubbing my face when I'm wearing makeup
58. Stay awake on Sunday afternoons
59. Stay asleep for more than 6 hours
60. Watch Dr. Phil
61. Believe how difficult making this list is! (Tomorrow's list should be easier)
62. Believe how much I used to worry about everything.
63. Avoid talking to my plants when I tend to them
64. Find a way to keep squirrels from digging up my garden
65. Find a way to keep squirrels from chewing up our house
66. Find it in my heart to be mad at the squirrels
67. Do illegal drugs
68. Steal
69. Lie very well
70. Keep my temper when computers malfunction
71. Stand shopping at WalMart
72. Believe the amount of car and WalMart commercials currently running
73. Stop watching those "judge" shows when I'm working out (it's a guilty secret)
74. Decide when I should next cut my hair short
75. Be anything but grateful to God for the awesome life He's blessed me with
76. Only use the masculine pronoun for God - I think She likes both
77. Eat spicy food
78. Eat food with too much pepper (this counts as spicy food)
79. Think of words without thinking of colors too
80. Wear high heels
81. Wear pantyhose (that's really more a "won't" than a "can't")
82. Stand the thought of getting laser eye surgery
83. Enjoy iced tea, sweetened or unsweetened
84. Eat McDonald's
85. Eat fast food breakfast food
86. get as good quality pictures from my digital camera as I did from my regular camera
87. Trust hotel alarm clocks
88. Pick a quick line in the grocery store (or anywhere else)
89. Create new and tasty salads
90. Eat enough vegetables
91. Not each chocolate every day
92. Wear thongs (People who say high heels and thongs are comfortable have ISSUES)
93. Kiss my elbow
94. Carry a big over-the-shoulder purse
95. Keep my hands and feet warm
96. Sleep well in a strange place
97. Believe how totally awesome CoverGirl Outlast lipstick is
98. Wait for the Star Trek movie to come out (just 4 more days!)
99. Believe that I'm already 34
100. Get through the day without prayer.

Pride goeth before a fall?

So today I had 3 tasks. Bake chocolate bread, bake sandwich bread, and attend wedding shower. The shower is at 1:00, so my plan was to make the chocolate bread this morning, attend the shower, then make the sandwich bread. Fine. But this morning, I got up at 6:00 am, bright and awake. It helps that I went to bed last night at 8:30...
So I got the chocolate bread in the oven by 8:00 and started thinking, oooh, I could make the sandwich bread now! But I decided not to. Then I would be juggling breads, probably make a mistake, etc. So I went back to bed for some cuddling with Dale. Dale, however, was fast asleep, so after a few minutes, I boldly returned to the kitchen to make sandwich bread. I was confident I could handle it. (and maybe my breakfast of brownie and caffeinated tea had something to do with that!)
So I got going. This bread is complicated. You have to heat up 2.25 cups of water, then divide the water between the yeast and a raisin mixture of oil, honey, sugar, and raisins. Then you have to premix 3 types of flour. Next, you blend the raisin mixture, and finally, you add the yeast, raisin mixture, and remaining water to the flour. I did all this. No problems. Then I started adding flour. That's when I noticed the dough was really watery. REALLY watery. And I looked at my liquid measuring cup. It was a 4 cup measure, not a 2 cup measure! But I wanted to make that bread, and I didn't want to throw out my dough, so I boldly decided to double the recipe. I frantically re heated water, remixed raisins & yeast, added more flour, and combined. Next I had to knead it, but the bowl of my mixer was overflowing, so I did it by hand. It was massive. Naturally, the chocolate bread was done precisely when the kneading was, which meant my hands were coated with a thick layer (at least 1/2 inch) of raw dough. Fun! Also, my rising bowl is a little too small, so I had to watch it like a hawk - letting it rise exactly to the highest point before overflow. Now my bread is in its bread pans, waiting cooking. I will have the afternoon off. But will my bread be good?

Why pay for TV?

Dale and I cancelled our TV almost 2 years ago. We bought a pair of bunny ears and watched whatever channels we could pick up. Then we used a coupon to go digital, and the quality drastically improved – in fact, unless it's really windy, our picture is just as good as cable. Not to mention, most TV shows are available online now.
So here's the thing – I know people like speciality channels so they can watch TopChef or Design on a Dime or Mythbusters. But there just isn't enough programming to really make those channels worthwhile. Last spring, Dale and I were in Amherst for his graduation and we flipped on the TV, fully intending to enjoy our cable selections. Of our 3 favorite cable channels, all three shows were reruns. Yes, after a year of no cable, our first opportunity to watch cable was old programming. Oh, and at our gym, we have a selection of cable channels. I've been really enjoying catching up on Frasier, Will & Grace, and the Cosby show. Are you kidding me? People are paying money to companies which are basically putting out miniscule quantities of new material! It's like the cable company's fantasy!
Now, I know sports fans like to watch their games, and for that you need cable. But sadly, you have to get all the channels. Another racket. The cable companies don't want you to be able to select just the channels you want – that free market system might make crappy channels that depend on reruns die!
Sure, it's a little inconvenient when wind makes the reception choppy. And yeah, occasionally we miss watching our favorite cable channels. But on the other hand, I no longer have the desire to make my house look like a showroom, cook fantastic meals in 30 minutes, or constantly buy the latest fashions. Sounds like a good trade-off for me...
Oh, and this is by no means a slam on people who have cable. Just my rambling thoughts about it...

Review

What have I been doing with myself in April?
1) Watching all my crocuses and daffodils come up and bloom!
2) Protecting my poor rose bush against black spot and aphids (darn all this rain!)
3) Wishing that spring was, on average, 75 rather than 65 degrees.
4) co-hosting a 12 hour prayer vigil at my church that was really awesome! I love when we have equal numbers of men and women attending. I love that with only 5 lamps we had awesome mood lighting to replace the fluorescent lighting. I love that people experienced God.
5) Completed a ridiculous number of school projects.
6) Began fertilizing and pruning my plants.
7) Helped plant a community vegetable garden, yum!
8) Bought & planted my own basil plant.
9) Asked for a quote to get the cedar siding repaired and re-stained, so we will no longer have a burnt orange house.
10) Discovered that when you use cash, you really do spend less money, even without changing any habits.
11) Upgraded the RAM in my computer (thanks dad!)
12) Wrote, worked out, cleaned
13) Hosted guests from DC and helped them apartment shop (one is moving here next month)
14) Began coordinating events for my GRADUATION weekend!
15) Had 4 doctor's visits (but I'm getting healthier)
16) relaxed, really relaxed, for the first time in a LONG time.

Free!

I finished all my Spring term assignments and now I'm totally free until May 4th! The joys of freedom!

Writing

I did not write today. I am finishing projects this week and just didn't have time. However, by Thursday of this week I will be done with all my Spring classes, and so I pledge that starting Friday, I will write every day until graduation! You all have permission to ask me if I'm doing this. :)

Fringe and Idol

On Tuesday night, those tuning into American Idol saw an odd face in the crowd. To those of us who watch Fringe, he was a familiar face - the Observer. His presence foretells fearful events, events which relate to "the Pattern."
Now you might suspect that his presence at American Idol was simply a publicity stunt - a quick nod to Fringe fans who have sat through a very long hiatus while American Idol soaked up TV time on Tuesday nights. But those of us in the know, know better. And we were right.
While not a terrorist act fitting into the Pattern, or even a fearful event that caused death and despair, the Observer's presence was justified by events on Idol. They went over. Fearfully over. Just over 5 minutes over! Which means anyone who recorded Idol missed out on Adam Lambert's performance. Some Fox affiliates didn't even show the last 5 minutes of Idol, they just went ahead to Fringe. (Some would say that missing Lambert's performance was a good thing, but of course, Lambert didn't do his usual screeching act, instead performing a restrained and heartfelt song).

G vs. G2

First, I'd like to point out that when I watch TV, I mute the commercials. So I have to figure out the message of the commercial without benefit of sound. So when Gatorade rebranded themselves as G recently, it took me a while to figure it out. After all, the first commercial didn't have a single jug of liquid anywhere in it, just a bunch of athletes and a big letter G. The athletes included both men and women, which is cool.
Recently Gatorade has started advertising another product, G2. I could tell from the muted commercial that G2 was a low-calorie product. How could I tell? Because, all the people in the ad were women. Yes, apparently only women athletes need to worry about their weight while they replenish their electrolytes. Men can be fat.
I'm not going to foam at the mouth - why waste perfectly good rage on a mundane example of society's far-reaching sexism?

fiction

I'm currently reading a collection of short stories, labeled America's Best Short Stories. And so far, some of them are good, but others are just depressing. I don't like how much current fiction is hopeless, affirming the ultimate chaos of life. I want my writing to be about hope, resurrection - the ultimate reality of synchronicity rather than chaos. As I see it, the key to this is to write stories which are not Pollyanna foolishness. Stories which deal with the brutality and ugliness of life but also find the meaning and beauty within.

beautiful day

Today was just gorgeous! No rain (after over a week of it), and over 70 degrees! It makes me so sad to think that in 2 short days it will be 30 degrees colder and start raining again. :(
Today was one of those days when I miss DC. When I lived there, on a beautiful day I could always go downtown and sit in the nation's park, surrounded by inspiring words in inspiring monuments. In Raleigh, we have parks, but they are oriented towards activities, not sitting still and soaking up sun. Dale and I talked about it and went to a coffee shop, where for the small price of 2 drinks, we were able to sit in the sun, talk, and read books. It was a good replacement.
I still think about making pilgrimages to DC. Our pastor wants all of us in leadership to have at least 1 day a month where we sit silently with God. I could easily drive to DC on a Friday, stay with a friend, spend Saturday on the National Mall, and then drive home. Dale and I could do it together, and then spend the day separately listening to God. It's a thought. Right now I don't feel like I need to make a special effort to have time alone with God: a large part of my day is spent doing just that. But once I'm working and meeting with people, I'll need to set aside time for that.

7 quick takes

1. Dale and I went for a bike ride last night to enjoy the lovely weather.
2. While we were riding, we saw a possum, rabbit, and an ice cream truck.
3. The weather is really nice, but I think it's still a bit early for an ice cream truck.
4. We had to get off the road when a fire truck blazed down our street.
5. I was very worried about the truck and insisted we go home to make sure our house wasn't on fire!
6. It was a relief to see our house wasn't on fire!
7. Still, I may not ride out again in the future...

March Madness

So I filled out a bracket this year, as always, even though I wasn't participating in a pool. But this year I added a twist. I am phenomenally bad at guessing the brackets. Really bad. So I decided to test myself. I filled out 2 brackets: one using my own best judgement, and the other using coin tosses. Yes, I filled out 1 bracket entirely by flipping coins. I wanted to see if my basketball knowledge was better than random chance.
Some highlights from the coin toss bracket: the coin picked Stephen F. Austin, a 14 seed, as the ultimate winner. Oh, you haven't heard of Stephen F. Austin? Well, that's probably because they lost in the first game. My Final Four had Stephen F. Austin, Washington, UCLA, and Robert Morris. That's a 14 seed, 4 seed, 6 seed, and a 15 seed. My coin really liked the underdog. My Final Four choices had all been eliminated by the Sweet Sixteen round. In short, my coin toss bracket was decimated.
So how did my own choices go? Sadly, I picked UT as the ultimate winner, losing that shot immediately after the first game. Half of my Final Four picks (Michigan, UConn, UT, Clemson) were gone by the Sweet Sixteen. However, I still have 2 Final Four picks correct.
What does it boil down to? I am, in fact, smarter than a coin toss. The coin toss got 19 bracket spots correct; I got 32 (maybe 33 if Michigan beats UConn). This is a relief. Maybe next year I can get a little bit better.

more reasons to work out

Currently, I have an accountability partner for working out. We have to confess how well we did each week - both of us are trying to work out 4 -5 times a week. It's working really well. I usually have the motivation to work out 2 - 3 times a week, but by Thursday and Friday I'm really over it. This accountability bit really gives me the extra motivation to get those final workouts in.
However, I may have discovered another reason today! I had to go see the cardiologist today because I've had a couple of close calls in the last 3 months (close calls meaning that if I hadn't been able to lie down, I would've passed out). Both happened after taking my heart medication, you know, the chemicals designed to keep me vertical. Now, the last time I saw the cardiologist, he told me to work out. And I have been. And what do you know, today he reduced my meds! He doesn't know why I'm having symptoms, but I'm choosing to say it's because I've been working out and my heart has remembered how it's supposed to work! So while I'm not losing weight, gaining upper arm firmness, or experiencing less knee problems, I am going to assert that working out is improving my life. :)

Tough Chick

I've been doing a lot of weightlifting lately. Last summer I noticed that my upper arms had turned into large swinging bags of loose tissue. So I'm working on my triceps. After almost a year, I have yet to see improvement, but I won't give up! However, as I worked with machines and free weights, I began to notice some pain in my wrists. I have notoriously floppy joints, so I assumed this was the problem, and I set out to find a solution.
The solution is weight lifting gloves with wrist supports. The only problem is that women's gloves don't have wrist supports. They're really cute, pink and red with contrasting trim, but no wrist supports. The nice sales guy told me that manufacturers just don't give women's gloves wrist supports. Sexist manufacturers! This meant I had to buy men's gloves. Fortunately, I have fairly large hands, so I was able to find a pair that fit right. But they are serious looking gloves. They make me feel like a badass weightlifter when I wear them. Black leather, fingerless, with velcro wrist guards. Yeah!
So there I am at the gym, wearing my tough manly weightlifting gloves, feeling like a bad ass, lifting my 5 pound dumbbells. What you say? 5 pounds? Only 5 pounds? Yes, there I sit, wearing men's weightlifting gloves, designed to give wrist support to manly men lifting 50 pound dumbbells, hoisting delicate 5 pound dumbbells in to the air.
Oh yeah. I'm a tough chick.

New Budgets

Dale and I are taking the Financial Peace University class at our church. Yes, we did a different financial course a few years ago. But lots has changed since then, so we're taking this course to ease the transition back from single income to double income (yay God!). This week we did our new budget. It's a zero balance budget - every dollar for the month of April is designated, as of tonight! If we want to change something, we have to change something else - we can't just spend $20 extra on groceries without taking $20 out somewhere else. Oh, and we're going to cash for certain items (groceries, restaurants, clothes). This is ironic, given that we almost never use cash anymore! It's gonna be a big switch, but we're excited about it! We're finally going to be systematically saving for a new car, a vacation, painting the house, etc. Before we were just randomly saving, but now the saving is allocated. Pretty cool!

Who says I'm old?

I know that my physical health has deteriorated rapidly in the last few years. My brother and sister-in-law regularly laugh at me when I discuss my ailments. I'm finding sad areas of sagginess, a pathetic inability to dance for more than 5 minutes, and various aches and pains at all times.
But who says I'm old?
On Friday night, I partied with high schoolers. Young high schoolers. We bowled, we did a scavenger hunt, and we played Twister and video games. And I stayed up all night. Oh yes. I wasn't even tired until 5:00, and by then my body was waking up again! I didn't even doze off during the movie. Sure, I went home and crashed, but here's the thing: half of the high schoolers slept the night away. ha HA! I can still out party teenagers, so who says I'm old??

high schoolers

Tonight is the high school lock-in. I'm chaperone and co-leader. And I'm pretty excited.
Now, there is some stress involved - I'm hoping we have enough drivers for the scavenger hunt, I'm hoping that everyone has fun and stays safe, etc.
But overall, I'm just excited. I like hanging out with high schoolers. I love their energy, their passion for relationships, their ability to act coolly mature in one moment and act like a 10 year old kid in the next. I love the fact that they have moved past the "trying to be funny" stage into the "actually funny" stage. Seriously, I don't know why so many people don't want to help out with high schoolers! Because that's the really interesting thing - aside from me, the leader, and one or two other people, NO ONE wants to help out with them. I guess this is where people find their niches in working with kids of different ages.

Free Write

This is from my friend Kathy at 10 Minute Writer. It's a "free write." Details are on her blog, but this is my result:

The city of Glome stands on the left hand of the river Shennit to a traveller who is coming up from the south-east, not more than a day's journey above Ringal, which is the last town southward that belongs to the land of Glome. Just outside the city there were 2 run down houses, side by side, with gardens in front. One belonged to a witch. The other belonged to a poor but honest farmer and his wife. Now, both the gardens were full of plants and thriving, but the witch grew the most beautiful rampion in the whole land of Glome, but the farmer and his wife couldn't grow any rampion to save their lives. The wife was bitter over their failure, and spent days at a time nurturing rampion seedlings and watering and fertilizing the delicate plants, only to watch them wither and die before fruiting. One day, in the height of summer, the Queen of Glome was making a progress through the land, and was planning to visit all her subjects. The wife made a beautiful bread, but knew that the best garnish for it would be the rampion. She sat in her kitchen and wept over the fact that she would be unable to show her cooking off to its best angle. Her husband came home early from the fields and found her weeping.
"Why do you weep?" he asked.
"I have no rampion, which is the only thing which will bring my bread distinction," replied his wife, weeping. The farmer sighed. He couldn't stand to see his pretty wife cry, and he formed a plan.
So at dusk he climbed over the wall into the Witch's garden, and, hastily gathering a handful of rampion leaves, he returned with them to his wife. He didn't realize, however, that the Witch was watching from behind the curtains. The demon just laughed and laughed. She carried a quantity of matches in her old apron, and held a packet of them in her hand. Now she struck one in the gloom of her kitchen, and let it burn down almost to her finger. Just before it made contact, she muttered, "Let the rampion burn their throats just as this match burns my finger."
The next day dawned bright and clear for the Queen's progress. The farmer and his wife took their appointed places along the road. There was a space next to them for the witch, but she did not appear.
"Where do you suppose she is?" asked the farmer, nervously.
"I don't know and I don't care," replied his wife, smiling as she arranged the rampion over the bread.
"If she comes, how will we explain the rampion?" he asked again, still nervous.
"Say we bought it at market," she replied, unconcerned with anything but her beautiful dish. The farmer sighed. No market rampion ever looked as good as the witch's, but he was in this thing now no matter what.
The trumpets caught their attention, announcing the Queen's approach. All along the road were farmers and their wives, dressed in their best clothes and holding modest offerings. The farmer's wife could see that no one had such gleaming green rampion as she, and her heart swelled with pride.
Dust rose on the road as the retinue approached. The trumpets continued playing. First appeared a group of jugglers and tumblers, rolling around and doing tricks. The children in the crowd were delighted, but the farmer's wife had eyes for nothing but her bread. Next came the trumpeters and drummers, making a beautiful melody, but the farmer's wife just kept her eyes on the bread and sighed with joy. And then, finally, came the Queen. She walked regally, taller than any man there. She was accepting each donation into her hand, and then passing it back into a large wagon. In return she offered a gracious blessing. The farmer's wife was so nervous she felt like she might faint. Then the Queen was there, her hand graciously reaching out to her.

7 quick takes

1) I LOVE this weather! I will spend the afternoon in the hammock.
2) I'm baking a new bread today, a loaf of cheese bread that looks really yummy.
3) I'll be doing some gardening too today. Did I mention I LOVE this weather?
4) This is the last day of spring break for me. It's all work from here on out.
5) Today's date is 3/6/9, isn't that cool?
6) I'm ruminating on building an arbor in the backyard. In stages.
7) I can't wait to go out and buy flowers for the garden and the back yard, although I'll wait until it's more reliably warmer.

I'm published!!!

Check out my first published article here!

spring

Spring is slow this year. It is below freezing still at night. I have some crocus blossoms, and the rose bush is putting out tentative tiny red new growth. Daffodils are shooting up leaves and stems. It is hard to see the signs of spring when you are distracted by the breath coming out of your mouth, fogging up the air. Yet, despite the cold, spring is coming. The advance, whether noticed or ignored, is inexorable. Life comes. Plants grow. In a world filled with destruction, we have not destroyed that.

7 Quick Birthday Takes

1) This is my 200th post!! On my 34th birthday! That's got to have some kind of significance.
2) I get to eat chocolate sheet cake tonight that I didn't bake. Yummmm.
3) I get to open presents this evening and that makes me happy.
4) If I weren't concerned about passing out, I'd spend the rest of the day in the hot tub!
5) As a good substitute, I will watch a movie and eat chocolates from Valentine's Day.
6) We got our tax refund today, because clearly the government knows that it's my birthday!
7) Apparently half my church is sick with the flu. I will be using Purell and Zicam for the next 2 weeks so that I don't get a viral birthday gift...

The Mysterious 8 Pounds

Yesterday I went to the doctor. And they weighed me. Of course, I was fully clothed, with shoes on, but still, the number seemed a bit high. Especially given that I had hardly eaten anything all day (raisins, carrots, orange, some yogurt). But I shrugged it off.

Until today. Today, after a nice big breakfast and lunch and a workout, I weighed myself. Needless to say, in the privacy of my bathroom, I was naked. And I weighed EIGHT pounds less. EIGHT! Where did those 8 pounds go? How is it possible to eat more and lose weight? I can guarantee you that my clothing and shoes do not weigh 8 pounds.

There is only 1 logical solution. The doctor's scales are off.

Goth Name

I recently did a Facebook "note." This is the new email forward. Anyway, it involves taking random facts and putting them together to form your new "names." One name is the color black plus the name of one of your pets. Naturally, I chose Duchess. So my Goth name is Black Duchess. Pretty cool, right? Well, it was really the only cool name out of the bunch. One person observed that my rock star name (Shadow Valley Estates) sounded more like a retirement home...

digesting

I'm having a lot of revelations right now. I will be sharing, but first I need to digest and incorporate...

7 quick takes

1. Yesterday I found out I was sick (non-contagious). This was after my intense workout.
2. Today I have already taken a 3 hour nap and am contemplating a second one, even though yesterday I felt vigorous and full of life. Power of suggestion, my friends, power of suggestion.
3. Dale and I will be going to a Valentine's Day party - what fun!
4. We have to bring stuff to dip into chocolate fondue. I'm thinking donut holes and marshmallows. Sure, there will be cheese and broth fondue, but who says you can't eat nothing but sugar for dinner on V-Day?
5. Well, maybe the antibiotics I'm on say I can't eat sugar. But the pain later will be SO WORTH IT.
6. I can't wait to graduate and be done with classes.
7. Unfortunately, many school projects lay between me and graduation...