Dr. Strangepump, or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Pump

My first experience with pumping was in the hospital, when I was having trouble getting my baby to latch on. One of the nurses brought in a double electric pump and told me to use it. Later on that day she attached the flanges to me, adjusted the machine, turned it on and left. Since it was a double pump, I had to hold both bottles, so I lay in bed, open wound in my belly, raw nipples encased in plastic, holding two empty bottles, while a machine began to exert pressure on those nipples, pulling them a half inch into the plastic cylinders. After five minutes I was howling in pain. Yanking the flanges off, I pressed the nurse button and demanded narcotic pain drugs to deal with the lightning cramps of pain in my uterus and nipples. I didn't pump at the hospital again.

Last week I took out my home double electric pump, read the manual, and tentatively attached one flange to my sore right nipple. I turned the machine on and watched as it pumped. I kept the pressure to the minimum and was relieved to see that my nipples did not elasticize. But it hurt. So I stopped.

Last night my dear baby decided to skip one feeding, and then only snack at the other feeding times. By 7:00, I was engorged. Not a fun feeling, especially when your boobs tend to turn into fountains. I was sprinkling sticky milk all over the place! And worst of all, dear baby pursed her lips at my nipple and resolutely slept. So I went to the pump. I pulled on a tank top, cut two holes at nipple level so I wouldn't have to hold the bottles, and assembled myself to the pump. I used a little olive oil to lubricate the flanges, which were the size recommended by my lactation consultant. And lo and behold, I got 4 ounces in about 10 minutes! Minimal soreness and no uterine pain. I am a convert to pumping!

TV troubles

Dale and I are unlucky when it comes to TV. A few summers ago, we decided to cancel our cable, just as an experiment. We weren't too concerned because we still had Netflix. Promptly two weeks after we canceled the cable, the TV died. Since we were planning a trip to Knoxville to get my Grandmother's TV in August, we elected to go 6 weeks with no TV based entertainment of any kind. It was quite boring.

So a few months ago we bought a new TV cabinet, one which is baby proof. It's a TV lift, which means that the TV is in a cabinet and rises up out of it via remote control. Way cool, right? And we bought it from a very reputable furniture store. Well, Tori came early, so we've been homebound since July 13, and we have been watching TV in the evenings. Until this week.
Monday: I turned off the TV power strip due to a terrible lightning storm.
When I turned it back on, everything except the TV lift worked. Dale and I went through the manual, but alas, there is absolutely no way to get the TV out of the cabinet right now. So no TV.
Tuesday: I called the furniture store and they confirmed the furniture is under warranty. However, the person who handles repairs was out sick.
Wednesday: I called again, and the salesperson said the repair person is out sick again, but promises to work with someone else to get something done. That afternoon, as soon as I started nursing Tori, a technician calls. She talks my mom through some troubleshooting, but nothing works. They decide that they will send out a technician to remove the front panel of the cabinet, so we can at least watch the TV in the "down" position.
Thursday: I call for an update. The technician will come on Friday to remove the front panel. My contact person says that they have ordered the replacement part, but since it comes from VA, and needs to be located in the warehouse, they can't promise it will be here until NEXT FRIDAY. I'm thinking, I could bicycle to the warehouse, find the darn thing, and bicycle home BEFORE next Friday.
If the furniture store doesn't do better than this, I will have to reveal their identity.

My Vagina

So I've noticed in my baby books many references to my "birth canal." I think that's kind of funny, given that my "birth canal" is really just my vagina. Do people just not want to label it that? I'm thinking there are lots of alternative names for a vagina, if we're going to label it according to function. There's the "love canal," for intercourse. Then there's the "blood canal" for menstruation. I guess the rest of the time it can either be the vagina or the "secret pocket," depending on your level of paranoia.
Anyway, since I'm having a c-section, I'm going to continue to call that tube my vagina. She and I agree that's the way to go.

The weight game

So I don't know how much weight I've gained since I got pregnant. I don't know what my current weight is. This makes me an anomaly among pregnant women.
I'm not being careless - at each OB appointment I ask the doctor if my weight gain is OK. So far, it has been. I just don't see the point in knowing the numbers.
Why do we care so much about the numbers? Average weight gain is just an average - by definition it means that half of us will be above and the other half below.
I know my body is changing - that I won't be able to fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes for many months. Why do I need to know an exact number? Even if I lost the exact same number of pounds, I might not fit back into the same clothes.
Weight gain during pregnancy is just a game that I'm choosing not to play.

24, the Real Life Edition

The TV show 24 has come up in a couple of conversations recently, which got me thinking. What would the Reality Show 24 look like? I'll model it on my own very exciting life, naturally.

Midnight - 1:00 am, Monday June 13:
Dale and Elaine asleep in the bed. Slight sounds of snoring from both individuals. The cats are prowling. Pipsqueak goes to the litterbox and digs for about 10 minutes. Duchess is curled up in a ball next to Dale. Shadow sleeps at Elaine's feet.
1:01 - 2:00 am: Elaine slowly lurches out of bed. Night vision camera shows very messy hair. She stumbles into the bathroom and returns in a couple of minutes. Dale moves away from Duchess. Duchess moves next to him again. Shadow goes into the kitchen and makes French toast. He hisses at Duchess when she appears to eat some. Then he serves some to Pipsqueak.
2:01 - 3:00 am: Duchess cleans up Shadow's mess and picks the back door lock. She grills a t-bone steak and eats it by herself. Dale and Elaine snore.
3:01 - 4:00 am: Everyone sleeps.
4:01 - 5:00 am: Elaine goes to the bathroom again. Shadow creeps up the bed when she returns and she pets him.
5:01 - 6:00 am: Everyone sleeps
6:01 - 7:00 am: Dale gets up and gets ready for work. Elaine sleeps. The cats begin to annoy her in an effort to get breakfast.
7:01 - 8:00 am: Elaine gets up and feeds the cats. She eats breakfast.
8:01 - 9:00 am: What? I've fallen asleep. I've got a whole season of this to write?

Abilene TX, Top ten

10. Due to it being graduation weekend, one morning when my sister-in-law took my nephews for an early morning swim, there was a naked woman in the pool. She pulled on a tank top when she saw them.
9. Every time we went outside, we got to experience what it's like for food in a convection oven.
8. In Texas, they don't have sheep dogs. They have sheep donkeys.
7. The interstate roads have entrance and exit ramps that literally go across lanes of opposing traffic.
6. "Guardrail" is spelled "Gardrail" in Texas.
5. In my family cemetery, Round Mound, I found a relative nicknamed "Commie." His full first name was "Commodore."
4. We got to cross a creek known by the college kids as the River Jordan.
3. The "River Jordan" leads to the "Holy Hump," the hill where the campus for Abilene Christian University can be found.
2. There is a Bible Hardware store in downtown Abilene.
1. To the author of the Fort Phantom Hill pamphlet: well done! You really should pursue a career in romance novel writing!

Home Repair

I have a lovely old lamp from my childhood. It's white and yellow painted metal, with flowers. I've used it for years, and we decided to keep it in the nursery for Clementine. So we relocated it to the changing station and plugged it in. It flickered briefly, then went out. Well, it's an old lamp, so we figured the wire had a short in it.
Last night Dale went to considerable effort to redo the wiring and finally got the lamp to work. We had to get rid of the night light feature due to space restrictions, but that's not a problem. It's not really in the best place for a nightlight. We took it back to the room with great ceremony and plugged it in. Nothing.
So the plug we used was covered with a baby proof plate. I suggested that the plate was too thick for the plug to make contact, so we switched the plate (after all, the plug is behind a heavy piece of furniture). Still nothing. That's when we figured out the real problem. The plug we're using is back to back with a plug in our office. The office plug stopped working a long time ago, thanks to Duchess' regular baptisms in urine. Her pee not only ruined the office plug, but seeped through a ruined the nursery plug! Dale ended up replacing both plugs and now it works. Too bad we didn't think to check the plugs first!

The on-the-go mom

Dale and I were talking the other day (which is always dangerous), and we came up with the best idea! We were discussing how I plan to buy a backpack diaper bag, because I'm just not OK with loading up one shoulder. Additionally, I plan to use a baby carrier (the kind that goes up against my body) as much as possible, because I also don't want to lug around a giant car seat. When your back is as touchy as mine, doing an uneven load like that (bag on one shoulder, carrier dangling from the other arm) is just a bad idea.
So there I'll be, a diaper bag behind me, a baby in front of me. How could I get more done? Well, they have these lovely hands free breast pump bras. The idea is that you can attach the bottles to each boob and go about your day, as in the picture below:

But since I'll be running around with a baby in front and a bag in back, I need somewhere else to store the bottles. Enter our invention! We will convert a beer hat into a bottle hat - the pump will directly deposit my milk into a hat on my head, a hat similar to this!

Are we geniuses or what?

Memories of my Grandmother

I just wanted to take a few minutes to write some happy memories I have of my grandmother, my mother's mother.
I remember once when we were visiting them in California, she asked me what I wanted for breakfast. I was very young at the time, probably only 5 or 6, and I wanted a Coca Cola and peanut butter on crackers. And so she made it for me! That's a great Grandmother!
I remember how she used to recite poems, in great dramatic voice. She knew so many poems. She also had a drawer full of knick-knacks - gifts from students. Often she would let me go through the drawer and take an item for my own.
Then there was the year that we all went to Abilene for Christmas. We can never forget that, mostly because my brother ambitiously recorded a lot of it on video. I remember at one point during that trip, my Granddad was talking about how he and Grandmother met. And she interrupted him every other sentence! It was very funny to watch.
After she moved to Knoxville, the first time Dale and I visited her in her house, she offered us food and coffee. Dale observed how very grandmotherly of her that was, to press food on us. She was a good cook, and I remember her cookies and pies well.
She was a good grandmother. I will miss her, but I'm glad that she is at peace.

I'm not scared, just annoyed.

I'm tired of people trying to manipulate behavior through fear. I'm tired of scaremongers and conspiracy theorists who don't understand statistics trying to "prove" their harebrained theories to me. I'm tired of the fact that Obama's birth certificate proves nothing to morons who espouse the birther movement (and yes, I call them morons with no apology, because if the one thing you demanded doesn't convince you, then you are a moron).
I'm tired of people telling me how to feed and raise my child based on their fears. Ultrasounds are not harmful. Vaccinations save lives. Non-organic food will not kill my child. A c-section birth does not mean I'm less of a woman. If I can't breast-feed, my child will survive.
People, let's use our brains. Try to comprehend statistical studies. Use some common sense. Look at the big picture. That's what I try to do.
So don't try to influence my behavior with your scare tactics. If you do, I'll just turn you off and any valuable insight you have will be lost in your barrage of fear mongering.

Seven Quick Takes on ___ Saturday

1. Does today have a name? We have Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, and Easter Sunday. What is today?
2. I don't mind when people rub my belly. It makes me feel like a happy Buddha statue that they are rubbing for luck. teehee.
3. I'm becoming more and more annoyed by people who mistake homonyms. Faze v. phase is the most recent one, but there are several. Check out this great list!
4. I am stubbornly wearing a short sleeve t-shirt despite it being 60 and damp outside. It's practically May, darn it!
5. I have a feeling that this will be the coldest summer on record for Raleigh.
6. My thumb is covered in hangnails that must be tended to.
7. But I'm much more likely to lay down on this couch with the cats and nap for a while.

Nesting

No, this isn't about the bird's nest that I disturbed on Tuesday. It's about my pregnancy. I have reached the nesting stage.
It's funny, but I am obsessed (in a good way) about creating the space for baby Clementine. I have a strong desire to paint one wall in the nursery (I would paint it a darker shade of lavender, as an accent wall). There's no need to do this. I want to buy furniture. I want to get new carpet. I want, I want, I want. Worst of all: I do not want to do anything else. All other responsibilities have lost their interest for me.
I'm not beating myself up, I'm just observing and accepting. Of course, life goes on. I have obligations to fulfill. And I'm fulfilling them. But in my heart, I'm filling a nursery with butterflies and furniture and pillows.

Oh, the guilt!

Today I went into our "crawl space" under our deck. It's more like a stoop space, as it's about 4' high. Anyway, we store our wheelbarrow and a bag of vole repellent gravel down there. So I lugged the bag of gravel into the wheelbarrow and out to the maple, as I planted there today. As I enlarged the opening in the bag of gravel, I realized to my horror that there was a bird's nest in there, complete with small pink and white eggs! Oh the guilt! With much sorrow, I gently took out the nest and returned it to the same location.
When I was done, I loaded up the wheelbarrow and took it back, because, well, we have no where else to store it. And then, oh so sad, I saw the mama bird flying away from the nest! I hope she comes back!

In other news, here's an approximate sample of the fabric for my nursery chair:

Nursery!

I started buying stuff for the nursery. So exciting! So far I've bought a lovely glider armchair with matching ottoman, the crib, a chest of drawers, and some decorative elements. I'm posting pictures here. The chair is just an approximate match. The upholstery I ordered is a white and golden yellow brocade pattern, very elegant. The walls are lavender, and I plan to use lavender and purple with teal and yellow accents.

absurd headlines

Today the Washington Post had this headline and tag: "William and Kate to wed: William and his fiancee, Kate, are to be married." (punctuation mine)

Wow, what a great headline! I wonder if I could come up with headlines as great as that...

Four Teams prepare to play in the Final Four this weekend.
Rainy Forecast: Raleigh to experience rain this week.
Elizabeth Taylor's Death: Elizabeth Taylor recently passed away.
Radiation Leaks in Japan: Damaged Reactors leaking plutonium.

Fringe Bloodlines

So Friday night's Fringe was brilliant. The episode focused on the alternate universe and we got to see fan favorite cab driver Henry. The writers managed to make Fauxlivia sympathetic, as she suffered through a pretty bizarre pregnancy. Oh, and by the way, this post is full of spoilers, so no reading if you haven't watched.
The episode begins with Fauxlivia getting tested for VPE, a viral form of ecclampsia. Sadly, ecclampsia is a real disease that does threaten the life of a pregnant woman. The only cure is delivery of the baby. Virally propagated ecclampsia is, as far as I can tell, a myth. (whew!)
In the car on the way home, along with lying about the father, Fauxlivia and her mother discuss her "options," although it's pretty clear Fauxlivia sees no options. I assume she is planning on an abortion if she carries the virus, an assumption bolstered by the doctor's later statement on scheduling the "procedure" later in the episode. This should present a significant dilemma for Fauxlivia. She is carrying Walternate's grandchild, probably on his orders, yet if she doesn't abort, she and the baby will die.
NOTE: at first, I wondered at Fauxlivia's stupidity: first she has unprotected sex with Peter, and then we find out she's basically someone who should never get pregnant?? But Walternate's actions suggest that she got pregnant on his orders. I would ask why she didn't object then, but if you recall the circumstances of the switch, I doubt she had time to think it through.
The glyphs spell out the word "FATED", and I think this episode took a roundabout way to look at the question of choice and pregnancy. Does Fauxlivia, in fact, have the freedom to choose? Turns out, NO. Walternate and Brandon take that choice away from her by kidnapping her and accelerating her pregnancy. The priority here is the child's life, not Fauxlivia's. Walternate and Brandon most likely know that she has VPE. The acceleration is for the child's sake, not hers (the doctor's statement demonstrates that). Why didn't they simply inform Fauxlivia that they had a possible way for her to carry the child without suffering VPE? Because they couldn't take the risk that she would choose to abort. Her choice was deliberately taken away because her life is less important than the life of the child. An interesting course for Walternate to choose, given his refusal to test Cortexiphan on kids. His morality is very selective: children are innocents, while adults are disposable. Fringe doesn't directly deal with the question of abortion, but it does get to the heart of the matter: a mother's choice.
The accelerated pregnancy is by far the event that makes me sympathetic towards Fauxlivia. I'm currently pregnant, and I can't imagine how awful it would be if the last 22 weeks had been compressed into 2 hours. The ligament pain and stretching skin pain, man oh man that hurts to think about! Realistically speaking, she should've died, the way the prostitute did in Season 1 Same Old Story. The uterus probably would've ruptured and caused serious internal damage. I'm willing to buy the idea, however, that with Other Side technology they were able to compensate for the accelerated growth.
The one issue I can't suspend belief on is the rapid growth of her son at all. You can't make matter from nothing - they would've had to give her a massive amount of nutrients somehow in order for the fetus to have raw material to form. But that's a minor glitch. After all, this is Fringe.
One burning question: will the acceleration of the pregnancy result in accelerated growth of Peter Junior? If the acceleration was purely for tactical advantage, then his childhood growth should be accelerated too. We can assume that once again, the Other Side's technology will compensate for the failures seen in Same Old Story.
LOVE Lincoln and his confession of love for Fauxlivia. I hope she turns to him for emotional support. Love watching Lincoln and Charlie start to question Walternate. And although most people seem to hate Alt-Brandon, I love him! It's like our Brandon is milk chocolate, and Alt-Brandon is dark chocolate. Unlike Walternate, Alt-Brandon's morality is unambiguous and clear: EVERY person, no matter the age, is disposable. Reprehensible, yes, but also refreshing.
And finally, hoorah for Henry! I really like how his character just pops up from time to time.

Key West Fire Drill

Dale and I sat on our balcony enjoying the fresh night air on St. Patrick's Day. Our balcony overlooked the dead end road our hotel sat on. The road was awesome. There were no signs, no barriers. It literally just ended at a low concrete wall that was about 2 feet from the ocean. We saw lots of cars wander down the road, stop, then awkwardly turn around.
One car was driven by a group of excited revelers, obviously enjoying the holiday. They came down, turned around, and left. Then they returned. It was then that Dale and I witnessed what we have decided to call the Key West Fire Drill.
(For those who aren't familiar with the "chinese fire drill", that's when you stop at a traffic light, and everyone gets out of the car, runs around it, then returns to a different seat in the vehicle.)
There was a driver and 2 passengers, all older men. They got out of the car and ran around to the passenger side. The driver carried a bag, out of which he drew 3 t-shirts. He distributed the shirts, which they held up to their chests. There was a lot of giggling. Next, the driver embraced and kissed one of the passengers. The shirts were returned to the bag, and then everyone returned to their exact same seats. With a loud shriek, they took off into the night. Behold, the Key West Fire Drill.

Halfway There, 7 quick takes

1. Ai-yi-yi! The "nursery" is a messy mass of clutter!
2. Aside from my constant respiratory problems, this has been a really easy pregnancy. Hope the next 20 weeks are just as good.
3. I love being part of a cluster of pregnancies. Five of my friends, woohoo!
4. Being 36 has advantages. While I'm still quite ignorant, I have a fair amount of life knowledge that makes things easier: my looks are ever changing, so body changes aren't traumatic. Don't sweat the little stuff, and really, it's all little (see comment 1). If you don't want people butting in, don't invite them (the reason why Dale and I are keeping the name a secret). Other people's horror stories are just interesting conversation, not predictions.
5. Things that never interested me before are suddenly fascinating.
6. Being pregnant is more important than any of my other life goals.
7. While there's lots of fear and concern, it is outweighed by pregnancy joy and excitement. Probably hormones. Thank God!

Pregnancy Clothes

I love my pregnancy clothes. Everything is so comfortable! In addition, everything is basically like pajamas. It's all pull on, pull over, no tucking.
Let's take maternity jeans. They look like regular jeans - even have little fake flies - but they are pull-on pants with nice wide elastic waists. Man, are they comfortable! The most comfortable jeans I've ever worn.

Gitmo

So now President Obama is authorizing indefinite holding time for prisoners at Guantanamo Bay prison. I'm not OK with this. Why is our government so good at fighting wars against certain kinds of criminals and not others? Why are terrorists and drug dealers more of a target than rapists and child molesters?
Sorry, just ranting.

Pregnancy Drama

It's like a roller coaster here!
First of all, I got my insurance issues resolved. Because Dale is a GSK employee, we were able to switch providers to United, which covers Rex hospital deliveries! Hurrah! We are so blessed to work for a company that cares about its employees and takes care of them. Yay GlaxoSmithKline!

Just when I thought my emotions were getting in check, my asthma decided to flare up. Last week I caught some kind of bug, which led to bronchitis, which led to a serious asthma flare. So Dale and I spent Sunday morning in the hospital ER getting breathing treatments and drugs. Now I'm on several different medications, including steroids, which make me feel emotionally quite good. That's misleading, though, because I get going and then I drive myself too hard. So today I'm working from home.

We found out we're having a little girl! So very exciting! Something about that knowledge, and the 45 minutes we got to watch her during our Ultrasound, makes everything about this process so much more rewarding.

So that's the update from Pregnancy Roller Coaster Central.

I hate insurance

Aetna and UNC Healthcare are in a debate. Their contract ended on February 5th. Basically, UNC wants Aetna to pay more money. Aetna wants to continue cutting fat checks to stockholders. I'm pregnant and caught in the middle.
I dutifully filled out a transition coverage form and faxed it to Aetna's office on February 15th. I called to follow up on the 18th, when it was put into the system. Today I called again. The representative was so "glad" I called, because the form had been sent to Claims, incorrectly. This is THEIR form, but they couldn't process it correctly. So I'm no closer to finding out if I can continue to see my OB at in-network prices.
But there's more!
The coverage request only covers 90 days, unless Aetna decides that since I'm pregnant, I should get care for a full 9 months. After that point, I can continue to see my OB and deliver at my hospital, but I will have to pay out of network prices. Fine, I have an out of pocket maximum. But wait! If Rex charges me more than what Aetna thinks is "reasonable & customary", then I legally have to pay it all, and it won't count towards my out of pocket maximum. Yes, that's right. And let's remember, Aetna and UNC are in a debate because they can't agree on what's reasonable & customary. Which means that I'm practically guaranteed to pay more than my out of pocket maximum. How much more? Well, I'll have to see what Rex estimates to be my cost of care.
How am I supposed to be fiscally responsible if I can't find out how much my care will cost? Why does Aetna continually screw over the OB's and Gynecologists I choose? (My gynecologist dropped out of the program a few years ago).
At 17 weeks pregnant, I'm a big crying mess. Thanks, Aetna.

Fringe: Concentrate & Ask Again

My Tweet by tweet review, interspersed with in-depth thoughts.
Dr. Spock, bwahahaha!
Awesome death! Dale says: homeboy needs some Prolia
He's been using Brand X
(Also a quote from Dale)
I love love love that scene btwn Olivia and Nina!

The scene between Olivia and Nina is the best part of this episode. In fact, the crime in this episode really is the background story, a good device to bring out the relationship issues. I really enjoy how Olivia allows herself to trust Nina. It must be hard that something she would've kept very secret is public knowledge of everyone she works with. And of course, Olivia chooses to disregard Nina's advice, which is a shame.

Peter is doing well. Now, if only there weren't that little matter of killing 5 shapeshifters & lying to Olivia about it.

Olivia does ask Peter, as Nina advised. But it's more complicated than Peter just explaining his feelings. I don't think Peter is even clear on his own feelings. And Olivia knows that. Not to mention that when Olivia finds out about the shapeshifters, she's not going to be inclined to trust Peter again...

Walter's pee dance was great.
Simon's gonna fall in love with Olivia just cos he can't read her mind, haha.
I like where this is going, but who will the group target be?

This scene between Olivia and Simon is also a great scene. Portraying how difficult it is to have an ability like mind reading - great writing and acting. This is where the episode plot gets a little weak, however. We see three more people killed by the gas, presumably by another soldier whose dead child was named "Carla," and I'm wondering why there's going to be a fancy dress ball with multiple victims (as seen in the previews).
The scene at the hospital is very good. Can't imagine trying to read the mind of someone with brain damage! I can't help but think that Simon could learn to manage his ability, but he certainly closes the door on that in this episode. That doesn't mean we won't see him again, though.

The tall one is right.
Poor Simon, he needs some lessons in mental focus or something.

OK, as much as I love seeing everyone all dressed up (and wow, Olivia!), this murder scene doesn't make much sense. Why kill a bunch of civilians at a fundraiser for Thorn? It would be easier to kill Thorn, or to hold his family ransom.

Still wondering how the safe ties in.
Yes, nina, Sam is a first person...

Now we come to one of my favorite parts of any episode - the multiple scene denouement. I didn't know how the safe tied in at first, but now I see it's to bring in yet one more copy of the First People book. My favorite theory is that Sam is a First Person, but I'm satisfied with knowing that he wrote the book at all.
An aside - the unspoken apology between Walter and Simon was fantastic.

Yeah, in my last blog post I mentioned that Peter might love Fauxlivia...
Good episode. I like the plot point of Peter & Olivia's relationship. And Alt world next week!

The fact that Peter still has feelings for Fauxlivia isn't a huge problem (except for Olivia, of course). The thing that Peter must tease out is which Olivia he loves. Of course he's attracted to both of them - they are the same person. But they are also unique individuals, and he'll need to pick one.

Fringe: Reciprocity

First of all, a giant pat on my back that they are using MY name for Fake Olivia: Fauxlivia. Woohoo! Clearly, they read my tweets...
Lots going on in this episode - the main story is the link between Peter and the machine, while the sub-stories are the assassination of the shape-shifters and the relationship between Peter and Olivia. Peter and the machine interact in the very beginning of the episode - the machine changes position, and Peter gets a nosebleed. For a while, it appears that the nosebleed is the only impact to Peter, but of course, by the end of the episode we know that there has been a bigger change. There are hints all through. When Peter first sneaks home, right after the credits, we know that he's up to no good. Later we see him carefully eying Dr. Falcon, presumably because he already knows that Falcon is a shape-shifter. Then there's Peter's resistance to Olivia reading Fauxlivia's files. He says this is so Olivia won't think badly of him, but in reality, it's because he knows Olivia will crack the code. And then there is the obvious lie to Olivia, immediately after she offers him a relational olive branch. (Note to Peter: lying to the woman you love just after she forgives you is not a good strategy).
A few important repercussions of this main story. Walter and Peter are now holding a secret from the rest of the team. If Walter's theory is correct, then what will happen to Peter in the future? Will the weaponization continue? What else has Peter gleaned from Fauxlivia's file and how will he use it?
Sub-story of shape-shifters. I really enjoyed how this ties back to Peter's shady past. Naturally he would have access to guns with silencers, know how to break into houses, etc. He was basically a criminal before he hooked up with Fringe division. This episode is a nice reminder of all that. Then there's the question that Walter asks him: if what he's doing isn't wrong, then why does he keep it a secret? I think there are two answers to this. One is that Peter keeps it a secret because that's in his nature. Thinking of that book in the last episode, Peter wants to find his own answers - he acts independently. He knows that telling the others will delay the mission and possibly jeopardize its efficiency. The other possible answer is that Peter does feel shame over what he's doing. After all, he's deceiving people he loves. It can't be easy to watch Olivia's frustration over being just one step behind.
Sub-story of Peter and Olivia's relationship. I really like how they're handling this. It's very believable. Olivia has had time to get over the sting of Peter's failure to recognize her alternate, and now she's able to think about what it must have been like for Peter. Yet at the same time, Peter is now throwing complications into the situation. He's read Fauxlivia's notes, so he now has a better understanding of what she was really thinking. How does it affect him, to realize that she was truly starting to have feelings for him? Is he wondering which Olivia he cares about? In addition, he lies to Olivia and is keeping a pretty significant secret from her. He must know that this will be a pretty big problem for her. Is he intentionally keeping her at a distance while he sorts through his own emotions? This is a great way to maintain tension between them without getting all Rachel-Ross on us.

Loose ends:
Peter's heart raced during the test. Nerves because he knew Falcon was a shape-shifter? Or something else?
Broyles' near accident while driving to Alpert's house. Last time we saw that, Olivia went to the other universe.
How did Peter read those hard drives?

Funniest moments:
1. When Walter "shows dominance" at the lab.
2. When Brandon is held at gunpoint and asks if he can swallow.

When Home Improvement Meets Home Cleanup

Yesterday I marched to the Container Store, all excited to buy some custom shelving for our new and improved laundry area. Before I left, I started a load of laundry, and, since I had no where to put it, placed the brand new container of HE Tide on top of the stacked machines. I came home equally excited, full of plans to eat a good lunch then install shelves. As I walked back to the laundry room, however, I was greeted by this:

That's 150 oz of Tide, contained (thank goodness) in my tiny closet space. I was at a complete loss. So naturally, I called my friend Alicia, who generously came over to help me clean up and salvage what detergent I could. We finally settled on scooping the Tide up into a dustpan and dumping it into a large tupperware. We couldn't get the Tide beneath the washing machine, so we settled on leaving it there and allowing it to dry up. What a great surprise that will be in 20 years when we move!
Here's a picture of my friend Alicia:

Giving

I'm reading a fantastic book* right now, The Meaning of Mary Magdalene by Cynthia Bourgeault, and I came across this quote this morning:
"I am one with the source insofar as I too act as a source by making everything I have received flow again." Raimon Panikkar

Reading this got me thinking. At Evergreen, one of the challenges for 2011 is to give one BIG thing away. And that's something that Dale and I were really struggling with. Reading this quote today opened my eyes to something that I think should've been obvious to me: There is a level of giving that goes beyond giving time, money, material items, and self. Yes, even beyond giving of oneself. This level of giving is not something that can be quantified. It's more than volunteering one's time in a ministry, or in serving others. It is giving beyond your ability to give - giving beyond what you have to offer. It is a quality of life, in which your self, in relation with others, is giving. You become a channel of the Holy Spirit, giving what you don't have to give. Are the other types of giving valuable? Yes. Are they necessary steps on the journey to this state? Absolutely. Am I there? Oh, NO WAY! But I have it as a goal now.

*NOTE: This book, while completely awesome, is something that many Christians will find frightening and heretical. So read with caution.