My Vagina

So I've noticed in my baby books many references to my "birth canal." I think that's kind of funny, given that my "birth canal" is really just my vagina. Do people just not want to label it that? I'm thinking there are lots of alternative names for a vagina, if we're going to label it according to function. There's the "love canal," for intercourse. Then there's the "blood canal" for menstruation. I guess the rest of the time it can either be the vagina or the "secret pocket," depending on your level of paranoia.
Anyway, since I'm having a c-section, I'm going to continue to call that tube my vagina. She and I agree that's the way to go.

The weight game

So I don't know how much weight I've gained since I got pregnant. I don't know what my current weight is. This makes me an anomaly among pregnant women.
I'm not being careless - at each OB appointment I ask the doctor if my weight gain is OK. So far, it has been. I just don't see the point in knowing the numbers.
Why do we care so much about the numbers? Average weight gain is just an average - by definition it means that half of us will be above and the other half below.
I know my body is changing - that I won't be able to fit back into my pre-pregnancy clothes for many months. Why do I need to know an exact number? Even if I lost the exact same number of pounds, I might not fit back into the same clothes.
Weight gain during pregnancy is just a game that I'm choosing not to play.

24, the Real Life Edition

The TV show 24 has come up in a couple of conversations recently, which got me thinking. What would the Reality Show 24 look like? I'll model it on my own very exciting life, naturally.

Midnight - 1:00 am, Monday June 13:
Dale and Elaine asleep in the bed. Slight sounds of snoring from both individuals. The cats are prowling. Pipsqueak goes to the litterbox and digs for about 10 minutes. Duchess is curled up in a ball next to Dale. Shadow sleeps at Elaine's feet.
1:01 - 2:00 am: Elaine slowly lurches out of bed. Night vision camera shows very messy hair. She stumbles into the bathroom and returns in a couple of minutes. Dale moves away from Duchess. Duchess moves next to him again. Shadow goes into the kitchen and makes French toast. He hisses at Duchess when she appears to eat some. Then he serves some to Pipsqueak.
2:01 - 3:00 am: Duchess cleans up Shadow's mess and picks the back door lock. She grills a t-bone steak and eats it by herself. Dale and Elaine snore.
3:01 - 4:00 am: Everyone sleeps.
4:01 - 5:00 am: Elaine goes to the bathroom again. Shadow creeps up the bed when she returns and she pets him.
5:01 - 6:00 am: Everyone sleeps
6:01 - 7:00 am: Dale gets up and gets ready for work. Elaine sleeps. The cats begin to annoy her in an effort to get breakfast.
7:01 - 8:00 am: Elaine gets up and feeds the cats. She eats breakfast.
8:01 - 9:00 am: What? I've fallen asleep. I've got a whole season of this to write?

Abilene TX, Top ten

10. Due to it being graduation weekend, one morning when my sister-in-law took my nephews for an early morning swim, there was a naked woman in the pool. She pulled on a tank top when she saw them.
9. Every time we went outside, we got to experience what it's like for food in a convection oven.
8. In Texas, they don't have sheep dogs. They have sheep donkeys.
7. The interstate roads have entrance and exit ramps that literally go across lanes of opposing traffic.
6. "Guardrail" is spelled "Gardrail" in Texas.
5. In my family cemetery, Round Mound, I found a relative nicknamed "Commie." His full first name was "Commodore."
4. We got to cross a creek known by the college kids as the River Jordan.
3. The "River Jordan" leads to the "Holy Hump," the hill where the campus for Abilene Christian University can be found.
2. There is a Bible Hardware store in downtown Abilene.
1. To the author of the Fort Phantom Hill pamphlet: well done! You really should pursue a career in romance novel writing!

Home Repair

I have a lovely old lamp from my childhood. It's white and yellow painted metal, with flowers. I've used it for years, and we decided to keep it in the nursery for Clementine. So we relocated it to the changing station and plugged it in. It flickered briefly, then went out. Well, it's an old lamp, so we figured the wire had a short in it.
Last night Dale went to considerable effort to redo the wiring and finally got the lamp to work. We had to get rid of the night light feature due to space restrictions, but that's not a problem. It's not really in the best place for a nightlight. We took it back to the room with great ceremony and plugged it in. Nothing.
So the plug we used was covered with a baby proof plate. I suggested that the plate was too thick for the plug to make contact, so we switched the plate (after all, the plug is behind a heavy piece of furniture). Still nothing. That's when we figured out the real problem. The plug we're using is back to back with a plug in our office. The office plug stopped working a long time ago, thanks to Duchess' regular baptisms in urine. Her pee not only ruined the office plug, but seeped through a ruined the nursery plug! Dale ended up replacing both plugs and now it works. Too bad we didn't think to check the plugs first!

The on-the-go mom

Dale and I were talking the other day (which is always dangerous), and we came up with the best idea! We were discussing how I plan to buy a backpack diaper bag, because I'm just not OK with loading up one shoulder. Additionally, I plan to use a baby carrier (the kind that goes up against my body) as much as possible, because I also don't want to lug around a giant car seat. When your back is as touchy as mine, doing an uneven load like that (bag on one shoulder, carrier dangling from the other arm) is just a bad idea.
So there I'll be, a diaper bag behind me, a baby in front of me. How could I get more done? Well, they have these lovely hands free breast pump bras. The idea is that you can attach the bottles to each boob and go about your day, as in the picture below:

But since I'll be running around with a baby in front and a bag in back, I need somewhere else to store the bottles. Enter our invention! We will convert a beer hat into a bottle hat - the pump will directly deposit my milk into a hat on my head, a hat similar to this!

Are we geniuses or what?

Memories of my Grandmother

I just wanted to take a few minutes to write some happy memories I have of my grandmother, my mother's mother.
I remember once when we were visiting them in California, she asked me what I wanted for breakfast. I was very young at the time, probably only 5 or 6, and I wanted a Coca Cola and peanut butter on crackers. And so she made it for me! That's a great Grandmother!
I remember how she used to recite poems, in great dramatic voice. She knew so many poems. She also had a drawer full of knick-knacks - gifts from students. Often she would let me go through the drawer and take an item for my own.
Then there was the year that we all went to Abilene for Christmas. We can never forget that, mostly because my brother ambitiously recorded a lot of it on video. I remember at one point during that trip, my Granddad was talking about how he and Grandmother met. And she interrupted him every other sentence! It was very funny to watch.
After she moved to Knoxville, the first time Dale and I visited her in her house, she offered us food and coffee. Dale observed how very grandmotherly of her that was, to press food on us. She was a good cook, and I remember her cookies and pies well.
She was a good grandmother. I will miss her, but I'm glad that she is at peace.